This blog at first glance might seem out of place... oh, I hear your comments already. Like - "it's out of place because there hasn't been a post here for a couple of long weeks (okay months) ..." Yes, I admit to being a "little bit busy" with other things and at times my own concerns became mere backdrops for all other events happening around me. My health has taken a backseat as I drive wantonly through the streets of my every day - listening only once in awhile to the voices in my head that tell me "I shouldn't" or "I don't need it" or "you know you could do it if you try hard enough." And that's been the problem, I'm not able or willing to try any harder. How does one go about doing that? I see what I would like and I know what I would like to feel like and with effort - more than before - it could come to fruition. But it is easier to be tempted and comforted and the easy fall off the wagon of restraint doesn't hurt - to begin with. I realize that my actions have led to packing on a couple more pounds - weight I worked somewhat diligently as losing in the fall.
Over the course of the last couple of months, however, focus on my own well-being is not forgotten even though it is a shadowy thought in the back of my mind. It has not significant enough to make me try really, really hard to do better, though. All that has happened should be enough. I go back to my own defense of needing the comforts that make me feel better - better about life, better about stress, better about everything in general. I fill my time with so much that it is almost impossible to think I would have time to worry about anything else - but I do and I have.
Without making more excuses let's just scrape it all into a big pile with the type of winter we've had, the off and on good and bad condition with my back and knees, my money worries, the parking worries, and all other concerns draped about my shoulders - mix it with busy work schedule, volunteer schedule, writing plans, and other events - we have an up-and-down ride... I'm just not sure if it's a roller coaster or a merry-go-round this time...
Culminate the above with Monday, Valentine's Day, first day back to work after a busy Conference week, and the day after a busy Arts Expo weekend - you have the makings of an emotional ride more like a tidal wave. I feel fine then all of a sudden this big panic washes over me creating all kinds of tears leaving me trying to catch my breath while the knot in the pit of my stomach works its way to the empty hole in my heart - feeble attempts to justify "the right" to feel bad fill my mind. The emotional me argues with the logical me and despite all my reasons for knowing I shouldn't feel like this, I do anyway, because the weakness overcomes the strength in me when it comes to love. I believe that karma relives itself each and every Valentine's Day as I cannot on record remember any that were significantly good. I know that I am paying my debt in some way for that boy in grade 10 who I hurt by saying "I'm not interested in a boyfriend because I am going to University." Not sure my naive understanding of the world and the situation warranted dumping the dude but I'm even less sure that I need to pay for it each and every year, forever thereafter.
What triggers memories and keep them fresh? Is it the day and the date and the time and the place? Today - a regular Monday, would have not brought these tears to the floodgates, but a regular Monday saddled with red shiny hearts does - three years ago today I moved out of my last relationship, at least in the physical sense. It took me a long time to get over and move on and in some ways I guess I still haven't - it doesn't mean I am hanging on to it or hoping in any sense of the word for something different. I just means it's a trigger that might never be gone.
So in a valiant effort to take control of this again I am going to say something I should have said a long time ago - Mark, I am sorry for the way I treated you that February day way back in 1973.
Now if I could make up with myself. I might be able to step from behind my weight.
Over the course of the last couple of months, however, focus on my own well-being is not forgotten even though it is a shadowy thought in the back of my mind. It has not significant enough to make me try really, really hard to do better, though. All that has happened should be enough. I go back to my own defense of needing the comforts that make me feel better - better about life, better about stress, better about everything in general. I fill my time with so much that it is almost impossible to think I would have time to worry about anything else - but I do and I have.
Without making more excuses let's just scrape it all into a big pile with the type of winter we've had, the off and on good and bad condition with my back and knees, my money worries, the parking worries, and all other concerns draped about my shoulders - mix it with busy work schedule, volunteer schedule, writing plans, and other events - we have an up-and-down ride... I'm just not sure if it's a roller coaster or a merry-go-round this time...
Culminate the above with Monday, Valentine's Day, first day back to work after a busy Conference week, and the day after a busy Arts Expo weekend - you have the makings of an emotional ride more like a tidal wave. I feel fine then all of a sudden this big panic washes over me creating all kinds of tears leaving me trying to catch my breath while the knot in the pit of my stomach works its way to the empty hole in my heart - feeble attempts to justify "the right" to feel bad fill my mind. The emotional me argues with the logical me and despite all my reasons for knowing I shouldn't feel like this, I do anyway, because the weakness overcomes the strength in me when it comes to love. I believe that karma relives itself each and every Valentine's Day as I cannot on record remember any that were significantly good. I know that I am paying my debt in some way for that boy in grade 10 who I hurt by saying "I'm not interested in a boyfriend because I am going to University." Not sure my naive understanding of the world and the situation warranted dumping the dude but I'm even less sure that I need to pay for it each and every year, forever thereafter.
What triggers memories and keep them fresh? Is it the day and the date and the time and the place? Today - a regular Monday, would have not brought these tears to the floodgates, but a regular Monday saddled with red shiny hearts does - three years ago today I moved out of my last relationship, at least in the physical sense. It took me a long time to get over and move on and in some ways I guess I still haven't - it doesn't mean I am hanging on to it or hoping in any sense of the word for something different. I just means it's a trigger that might never be gone.
So in a valiant effort to take control of this again I am going to say something I should have said a long time ago - Mark, I am sorry for the way I treated you that February day way back in 1973.
Now if I could make up with myself. I might be able to step from behind my weight.
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