Trying but at least it's Spring

I'm still here although it's been awhile. A disappearing act is often my style. I think on it and ponder some more - waiting for opportunity to open its own door.

Water down. Pain up. Walk more - then can't move. Still on proper meds and still have to book new appointments to check into getting check ups. Knees hurt, back bothers me, off and on. It's been a battle with myself, knowing what's right and not caring what's wrong. I also know that I am the only person who can change it. I think of good things, feel good about my work and my writing, love my friends and family... but it's not enough and I don't have time or energy to try or keep trying or concentrate on anything else.

All I can say is... at least it's Spring!

Feeble Update

When it comes to this blog - I don't know what to write anymore. Wow, that's a revelation for a writer but, in all honesty, I'm not sure I have anything of substance to add here right now that wouldn't be construed as mere whining. I hate the winter. I hate the snow. I hate the cold. I know. Hate is such a harsh word but to me it's not harsh enough when you take into consideration my feelings toward this season. It seems to get worse every year and I'm more than ready for spring to blossom in every way - then again, I'm apprehensive about that, too. Warm weather means less clothing and fewer layers of clothing and more chance to expose the body to display the winter weight gain. Geez! If I could hibernate and stay indoors constantly - no worries. I'd have then to only worry about fitting through the door on my eventual release into the world.

Nothing to report on this challenge. It's not really going well and I need a kick in the butt. My water consumption is down - too cold to drink water. Even salad is not comforting although it tastes so good. Snacks are up. I'm hoping the cholesterol is still down as I have been taking my necessary meds as well as keeping up with the calcium and Vitamin D supplements. As it slides into spring I will book some doctor's appointments for check-ups and retesting. Until then, I continue to agonize with an internal battle - I want to exercise but don't feel like it and I sure don't want to break anything. I want to eat better but cooking is a bother so grabbing something quick tends to bring out not the best choices.

I will make an effort. Maybe tomorrow.

Renewing Urgency

As too much time goes by there grows a detachment to the urgency of a project that is deemed an effort - one that must be concentrated, uuber focused, and it must rank of the highest importance and value in order to illicit any renewed determination. One would think that a challenge involving the quality of your own existence would manage to produce such feelings and encourage an attempt without needing such validation - but sometimes, to me, it appears not.

I must state from the outset, I have not given up... totally. My realization comes after this week's failure in securing a beneficial aid to dieting assistance in the form of an appetite suppressant, that may or may not reveal continued, if only, somewhat moderate success. My doubt in it working at all was just on the verge of perhaps - acceptance - with what was at least a glimmer of hope after losing 8 lbs. - but that was soon erased. The FDA recalled the diet drug Meridia and all its generic sibutramine derivatives - the potential for heart attack is just too great to continue to approve sales of the drug, even after 13 years on the market. Meridia was first approved by the FDA in 1997.

It makes me wonder how many others who are in my situation sacrificed their lives to save, in essence, mine? It's a setback and, one must always remember, there is potential for serious side effects with all medication which poses the question: is the cure worse than the disease?

I am trying to identify any little nervous quirks as a result of going off this pill again, as were evident when I ran out and didn't have a refill to continue the application without interruption. a couple of weeks ago. So far the anxiety is minimal (I think) and the habits that cropped up before are of a lesser intensity than the first time.

The greatest issue at this point is lack of sleep due to several late nights, but thankfully that's my own doing, and not one the result of some deadly med induced side effect. I keep reminding myself - small steps move you ahead, slowly but surely - even though my penchant for pasta and pastry are dangled like the proverbial carrot to entice me...