I suffer in order to experience and express an involved dedication with what is not only my passion, but my dream. Events are required to promote and the chairs are not conducive to comfort. To sit too long stiffens and cramps my back; to stand too long affects my knees and hips; to wander around to find a comfy chair to sit is not an option; lying down is certainly not allowed. I have introduced more walking lately but the improvement is slow, if at all. I digress and depend again on pain killers in order that I might suffer in silence - to promote, smile, and share all that I know.
I'm still here although it's been awhile. A disappearing act is often my style. I think on it and ponder some more - waiting for opportunity to open its own door.
Water down. Pain up. Walk more - then can't move. Still on proper meds and still have to book new appointments to check into getting check ups. Knees hurt, back bothers me, off and on. It's been a battle with myself, knowing what's right and not caring what's wrong. I also know that I am the only person who can change it. I think of good things, feel good about my work and my writing, love my friends and family... but it's not enough and I don't have time or energy to try or keep trying or concentrate on anything else.
I never minded Mondays. In the past I usually had a place where I wanted to be, and if I didn't want to be there, I certainly changed it. Everyone who knows me, knows that change could be my middle name, because I wear it like it's me and never fear it. Today, Monday means I go to a job I really love but also manage to miss sometimes, depending upon how my back is doing. It's very hard to determine what is going to happen based on what I do over the weekend. Sometimes I can do actual physical work and feel much better, even if a slight bit stiff and sore. Other times, like this weekend, I can sit most of the hours - writing, posting, blogging, doing other paperwork - and then be worse off than if I did some yard work, house work, or whatever.
The difference for this weekend is I started the prescription for Meridia on Saturday morning. I believe that I will have to gauge the benefits of the diet pills as one of the side effects is insomnia. I have never (okay 99%) had a problem getting or going to sleep. I exercise my mind constantly and that tires me out enough to fall asleep with no trouble. Last night, however, roll, twist and turn - I could not go to sleep and when I did I woke up, unable to fall back asleep for some time. Leaves nothing to the imagination - without proper sleep/rest, my back feels it and with that, I cannot get a decent sleep. Another vicious cycle. Needless to say, I would be useless at work today, so find myself staying home to nurse my wounds. Dramatic, huh?
I've read some posts lately by friends and friends of friends regarding stress and its affect on the human body. I try to manage my stress by not worrying about the things that cannot be helped, changed, or prevented. My body does absorb it, even though, it might be subconsciously. A situation with our pay cheques and their timely deposit, lurked in the back of mind over the weekend, and I would be mistaken to say it did not bother me. At least, internally. These kinds of things are there, you brush them aside, but the consequences of dealing with the results remains as I think of correcting something that is wrong, despite my attempt to ignore it. Hopefully, the situation is resolved without negative results and I can go on without having to "fix" things.
The good news to report is my conscious effort to watch what I have eaten and could actually report it without telling a white lie :0 meaning, I wouldn't try to hide something because for two days there was nothing to hide. I found that staying home to write and catch up on various on-the-go projects, helped me grab that focus I so needed. Breakfasts both days consisted of 1/2 cup of Fiber1, some blueberries and strawberries and 1% milk. I remembered all my vitamins and supplements; drank my water; and had my coffee, which ends up with only 1% milk by the time Monday rolls around - out of Vanilla creamer, and not out shopping. Both breakfasts were later in the morning so I did not eat again until supper time. Saturday was mostly vegetables with some seafood mixed in - stir fried in olive oil with pepper and lemon juice to season. Sunday night, Kelsey made scrumptious wraps - whole wheat (another good source of fiber) with lots of vegetables and chicken. We did not over do it as we have two wraps, were satisfied and put the left overs away for today's meal ... maybe even lunch.
Little steps. Little bit forward. Little bit closer to the desired goal.
"Like anyone, I've had my down times and my desperate moments, but lately I've been able to move beyond distressing past situations and look toward the future - keeping my eye and focus on the immediate journey. It's too easy to get caught up in the what if's and self-pity based on things that happened to you, once upon a time."
I was here a couple of days ago (it's the 21st but as you will see by the date on the blog, I started the thought on the 19th) and saved the above paragraph to drafts because I did not have the time, feeling or the where-with-all to complete the thought. It is amazing how something that is abandoned dwells in the deepest part of you, reminding you that "I'm still here, come finish what you started." Returning to this thought I, of course, have ventured beyond the realm of it making any sense because the roller-coaster took a turn and I found myself speeding downhill again. But isn't that the way the ride goes? Ever steady climb to a euphoric high, with a sudden plateau - where you might just stay forever, however, that's not what the cards have in store for you - and then you find yourself speeding toward an end that might do any one of a number of things. You just pray it isn't "crash."
We've all reveled in the fact that my back pill use has been suspended and except for some tired body parts after a day's exertion, it has been more the norm for me. I have not come close to what I should be doing for exercise but it is a far cry more than I've been able to do. It is going on three and a half weeks without and the pain has been negligible until - yesterday. My last blog of "mind over matter" came rushing up to meet me, suggesting that my physical health is more tied to my mental and emotional health than I have previously expounded. I know this to be true - it is the feeling of euphoria that fills that emotional void and whether that is the excitement of a new business venture, the passion of a craft honed to perfection day by day, or the love of a significant other, or an addictive substance, like food - everybody relies subconsciously on that special something/someone and when it doesn't exist in a good way, we rely on the things that are bad for us.
Yesterday, I received some news that revealed upsetting concerns with a project I am working on. It was distressing in obvious (answered emails) and subconscious ways (now what can I do) and by the time I arrived home, although very carefully, I almost couldn't walk due to the pain in my lower back/hip joint. It was obvious to me that the mental and emotional "pain" manifested itself as physical pain. This project has brought me immense joy and a realization of a dream, even though it has produced an equally immense amount of work. Something that I gladly take on because of the end product. This project has come to the level that it has in the past three to four weeks. The sudden doubt that hit yesterday is the only explanation I have for the equally sudden pain in my lower joints.
I have come up with a decision and have taken action to rectify the sudden concerns - I am hoping that by the weekend the pain will have subsided again and I can move forward. I still have not taken any pills so am hoping I can weather this brief storm. The "diet" continues with an increase in water intake, increase in fruits and vegetables and a concentrated effort to not eat what's bad for my health. There were a couple of things in the past couple of days that entered the zone and shouldn't have, but hey, don't dwell on failures - focus on successes.
I need to book a blood test too - re: cholesterol check. I am hoping it has gone done even a bit giving me the motivation to try to bring it down some more, on my own. Trying to avoid more pills at all costs...
If you want to freak yourself out (like I did with the cat) consider my horoscopes for the past two days. I don't read them and shape my day to what they proclaim - rather, I read them and see if they actually fit to what already happened. I've had some extremely "on" readings.
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19) - Tuesday, July 20
Although you begin the day with high expectations, a combination of events hijacks your day and diminishes your productivity. Your lackadaisical attitude can mess things up even more. Fortunately, you are able to prevent a downward spiral by simply paying attention to the situation instead of burying your head in the sand. Surprisingly, no direct action is required; problems should start to resolve later in the day if you maintain a high level of vigilance.
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19) - Wednesday, July 21 You can see around the next bend now and you may be surprised that what's ahead is more familiar than you expected. Nevertheless, it's frustrating when you know what you want but cannot reach your goal by yourself. Once again you are faced with the realization that you must take other people's feelings into consideration when making your own plans. Luckily, with a little patience, you'll be able to establish relationships that support your vision of the future.
You have to know me and my situation to really know how uncanny the above statements really are as a reflection of what actually happened. Like it says, "a little patience" is what's needed. I can add to that "and a whole lot of perseverance."
It was a night to end all nights! I just wish it would have ended itself...
Reporting on weight loss and trying to eat healthy is not going well when I have been unwell for the past four days. An over tired me picked up some wayward flu bug and have been suffering since. This is not how to go about watching what you eat! I've done the tea with honey, plain crackers, rice and vegetables with salmon (one great supper amongst the pittance), cereal with yogurt (so I can take my back pills) - nothing is sticking around long enough for me to be concerned about it.
A friend recommended Imodium to give "rapid relief of diarrhea" and it seemed it would work and that would be a welcome reprieve from the close relationship I was developing with the throne. Have chicken soup, too. Okay, so me being brilliant in my illness-induced stupor had a bowl of simulated chicken flavored noodles (you know, add water and ta-da!) ... progressively worse by bed time and I didn't sleep at all with pains in so many places I almost woke Kelsey to take me to emergency. It felt like all the noodles decided to stick together and plan an attack on my innards as one big lump. I felt it as they passed through every organ - but not before they just sat there causing me immense grief for a few uncomfortable, sleepless hours. I lost count how many times I was up and this morning when the diarrhea returned, I was relieved. HOW sad is that?
So back to square one - wondering what to eat that won't eat me back...
I am trying to drink too but blah... water on an empty stomach is really yucky.
p.s. only good news is that my legs and feet are not swollen - I'm thinking that all the garbage built up in me must have escaped :) also, my doctor's appointment went well enough for a meet and greet; now booked for tests and physical in 3 weeks. At least that's something.
The days go by as they usually do and it's almost another weekend - the time that most employed people look forward to, well, at least those employed people who work Monday to Friday. I missed a couple in between there with a few down days as I felt under the weather, so to speak. My back was giving me grief and every other part of me seems to chime in with sympathy creating a general feeling of blah! The weather was a bit cooler so sometimes I wonder if my problem is more arthritic. In any case, I needed the rest and the ability to just do nothing if I chose. I tend to like those days very much as I don't really do nothing - I write and do little things here and there. I rest when needed but the most important thing is that I just stay home.
Not everyone has that luxury and it has taken me quite a few years of working to find the job that allows me this flexibility - my back or weight issues have not interfered with my work and I want to keep it that way. My work is brain not braun driven, good thing, although long days in front of the computer can take its toll on a body in so many different ways. It is important to move, get up and stretch - I make sure I do this or else I won't be moving much at all. Those back pills first thing in the morning allow me this mobility until there is a stabbing reminder to shift positions for a moment.
Yesterday was a good day, well as good as it can be right now - there is that niggling feeling that if I do too much I could be in pain again. Although I drank my water as required, I made the mistake of not eating all day. This is something I know to be the wrong way to go for proper body fueling... sometimes you just go along, consciously ignoring pointed cravings and it's like eating is not one of the things high on your list of things to do. I wish this were the case all the time but as time goes on it will get easier to move it down the list.
I spent a wonderful evening with my Mom - we enjoyed supper together and shared a few laughs and conversation. I have to say that the supper we had did not stay with me long and we even commented at one point during the visit "why do I still have weight on me if things I eat go right through me?" By the time I got home later that evening, more stuff was moving through me... so feeling hungry, I finished up another bottle of water and had some fruit for a snack while watching Survivor.
There are a number of things that keep me going and it is my hope that by blogging this challenge I can manage to make it past that point of giving up in sheer despair. Often while doing what you know is right, there are feelings of "why am I doing this... struggling and suffering through this?" But right there is the most important reason to do anything for yourself - to lessen the struggle and the suffering. It's worth the challenge to live right, live healthy and live long.
The weather, feelings and events all play significant roles in how we perceive our lives and how successful we are at our attempts to make things right for ourselves. The weather - it's been grey and verging on miserable. It could be worse but it could also have the propensity to reflect a sunny disposition upon us if it were forecast to do so. There is no control on this factor and we must make the best of it. Grey days sometimes = wanting to devour comfort food to either warm you up, distract you, or just plain make you feel better. I am holding out (smiles like a champion) and one good way is to not have that kind of food in the house.
Feelings - controlled by the weather and it's affect on you; driven by your health and ability to do things; sometimes shaped by the events and happenings around you, often not in your control. You are not an island and what happens in this world, in your own community, in your household and the ever so close, in your heart... affects you. Again, this can equal wanting to divulge in mega pounds of chocolate, or pizza, or grande lattes... Again I am holding out (sheepish smile) all the while, thinking of what I might make for breakfast, knowing I would rather shove a whole pie in the hole. Another good deterrent is the "day before pay day."
Events - keeping busy is the best recourse as it focuses your mind and actions on things that need to be done because they are required, not because they are desired by some remote craving. The downside to this, is the fact that my back hurts and my bones ache (weather?) and I am tired (drained by keeping busy) and therefore, need to pull back and in my case, it means sometimes just missing work to rest and hopefully feel better the next day. It's not all going to go away - just like that - but I know that working on it a little at a time will help.
This is my underlying project for this year - to feel better! I'm not yet going great guns due to the fact that a) it hurts and b) I am working on getting a doctor's appointment to narrow down and confirm if necessary, the diagnosis received last year for my back. With that major obstruction to getting more exercise, it is an obstacle "weighing" on the rest of the means to the end - and the progress is, therefore, slow.
"Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today marks a turning point in your life, as the New Moon falls in your sign. You have been preparing to make an important change in your life. Perhaps you've even had a few false starts in recent months. Now, however, there's no going back. Although it still may take another month to see significant progress, the intention you set now will be sufficient to get the ball rolling in the new direction."
I can always count on my horoscope to confirm the things that are already true in my life. Major changes for me have happened when they were supposed to, as is the case for everyone. Things happen for a reason.It is my challenge in this life to conquer this beast and burden myself no longer with weight issues and dieting. I know what to do to be healthy, happy and helpful - it's the good things that must become a habit to get rid of the bad. I know this to be true. I know this to be "do it or die."
So, day one's attempt to hydrate properly has me visiting the facilities on a regular basis. It's the right thing to do - keep our bodies replenished with enough water that we don't retain it. It's what I've heard anyway - hopefully my swollen feet will go down soon as slipping into the shoes is a real chore!
I decided I'd better have some breakfast too - so an orange, two pieces of toast and a glass of milk helped wash down the vitamin I am determined to make a habit AND the usual morning dose of back pain medication. It's easy to make bad things a habit so why not try to make the things that are good for you a habit too?
I think I will interject here a little tid-bit of information that might answer what some of you may be asking... "why don't you get your butt out and walk it off????" And the short answer would be, I'd love to but easier said than done. The weekend before Christmas I did a lot of walking - you know shopping and all the running around that goes with the season - and the Monday before Christmas we had a staff lunch and gift opening *up and down stairs twice* then I visited a friend's office after work *up and down stairs* and then we (the girls I work with) went to see Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat at Festival Place where our seats were in the second level balcony *you guessed it, up and down stairs again*... At the time I was renting the basement suite area of the duplex I shared with my daughter and her boyfriend. Yes, downstairs. Tuesday = morning shopping. Wednesday = I couldn't walk, had to call in to work and later that day my daughter went shopping for a cane! I spent the rest of my Christmas break (I was off until after New Year's, good thing) recovering from a pulled/sprained/twisted/ or just a plain old overworked knee.
I am still favoring it and trying to absorb some of the pain without taking Tylenol as well as the back meds, although, that is usually not the case, especially if I want to assume a somewhat normal life.
So the swelling can also be due to injured or stressed joints, especially my knees, but possibly hips and of course, the good old lower back. Knees have not been my strong point since about 1997 when I had the left one go on me so badly that it hurt to sit, stand, drive, lie down and just be. I took heavy doses of Glucosamine for several months and never had a problem with it again. It is my weak knee though and the strength in it is gone. In 2005, during a brief hiatus to Toronto, I worked security in a 9-floor bank office building. It was great fun and I learned a lot, however, due to a shoe malfunction I pulled my left knee. Boy that breakdown in footwear is not apparent until AFTER the fact and the damage is already done. So my good knee now becomes not much better that my bad knee and with the incident just a few months ago, sometimes it is slow going and often painful. I am now not only watching what, where and how I sit to ease the back pain, I am watching what, where and how I walk.
Hence, the walking for the benefits of losing weight are out for the time being. The increased water has me jumping up quite early a couple of times in the morning though, so perhaps this can be considered "increased activity?"
Today I resolved to do what I could to make a good start - again! If I had a dime for every time... well, you know, I'd be rich but I'd probably still be fat! I do plan to do a few things I know are good for me and also thought that perhaps for every time I thought of food I could be here blogging a new post. Okay, I'd never get anything done but would certainly log a record number of blogs. Ah, I'm not that bad for there are many other things I think of, not just food. It's an on-again, off-again relationship that goes good and goes bad. On several occasions over the years (yo-yo) I have been able to control my intake and increase my output in order to lose weight and feel good. As I grow older, however, the ability to increase output has become extremely painful and it has me somewhat concerned.
In the summer of 2007, I experienced back pain that I have not been able to get rid of - not through rest, medication, exercise or by just plain ignoring it. I remember the first time - I bent over to pick something up and it knotted, pulled, cramped, twisted sharp enough and painful enough that I almost couldn't stand up again. It happens frequently and has been severe enough that I have to constantly take back medication in order to relax it in the morning so I can go about my day. I visited emergency in the late fall of 2007, had x-rays, was handed muscle relaxants and pain killers, and sent on my merry way. I was told "oh, by the way, you have a kidney stone." Thanks.
Last April, I went to another doctor. Yes, I went all through 2008 without seeing anyone - but I did have a bout with the kidney stone and an emergency room in October 2008 and it has since passed... This fine medical practitioner told me I had DDD - Degenerative Disc Disease and "by the way, lose weight and keep active." I don't need someone who uses this to pass off their diagnosis and get rid of me. He didn't ask history, didn't do all tests that should be done for a woman my age, but in hindsight, I should have insisted on having them done. I realize my weight is an issue, but I never had back problems before - I could lift, move, and work a long day helping my mom and just feel tired. I wouldn't be in so much pain that I could not move, get up or feel any better even after I slept for 7 - 8 hours. I don't remember the last time I got up in the morning, stretched and felt all refreshed!
I am on the list to go to another doctor but this country's health care system sucks even if it is free for some and available for all. You can choose to go to the Medi-Centres and wait a couple of hours with a bunch of sick people for a generic check-up or try to find a doctor that is taking new patients... good luck with that one! I expect that by sometime in May, the new doctor I did find might have room to see me. Then I will appreciate the time to review my history, discuss what the best options are, if any, and be dealt with compassionately - not just told to "lose weight and keep active."
So, day one involved drinking a lot of water. Trying to flush out kidneys and hydrate so that I don't retain water. Swollen legs and ankles have been the bane of my existence for the last two weeks. It was this bothersome condition that has me concerned although I try to just keep going, no matter what. I had mixed vegetables and small boiled potatoes with Becel and seasoning for supper. I am hungry but know it will have to be something I consciously try to control.
