Renewing Urgency

As too much time goes by there grows a detachment to the urgency of a project that is deemed an effort - one that must be concentrated, uuber focused, and it must rank of the highest importance and value in order to illicit any renewed determination. One would think that a challenge involving the quality of your own existence would manage to produce such feelings and encourage an attempt without needing such validation - but sometimes, to me, it appears not.

I must state from the outset, I have not given up... totally. My realization comes after this week's failure in securing a beneficial aid to dieting assistance in the form of an appetite suppressant, that may or may not reveal continued, if only, somewhat moderate success. My doubt in it working at all was just on the verge of perhaps - acceptance - with what was at least a glimmer of hope after losing 8 lbs. - but that was soon erased. The FDA recalled the diet drug Meridia and all its generic sibutramine derivatives - the potential for heart attack is just too great to continue to approve sales of the drug, even after 13 years on the market. Meridia was first approved by the FDA in 1997.

It makes me wonder how many others who are in my situation sacrificed their lives to save, in essence, mine? It's a setback and, one must always remember, there is potential for serious side effects with all medication which poses the question: is the cure worse than the disease?

I am trying to identify any little nervous quirks as a result of going off this pill again, as were evident when I ran out and didn't have a refill to continue the application without interruption. a couple of weeks ago. So far the anxiety is minimal (I think) and the habits that cropped up before are of a lesser intensity than the first time.

The greatest issue at this point is lack of sleep due to several late nights, but thankfully that's my own doing, and not one the result of some deadly med induced side effect. I keep reminding myself - small steps move you ahead, slowly but surely - even though my penchant for pasta and pastry are dangled like the proverbial carrot to entice me...

Oh, where, oh where...

...has my little dog gone or where, oh where, have I been?

First off, no little dog here so no little dog gone. And secondly, been nowhere different from my usual, normal, crazy week with a slight bit of down time about Thursday. It's funny I can usually gauge the week by my overwhelming propensity to want to nap by Thursday afternoon - and to top it all off, it would be considered a "short" week by all those who have a holiday Monday in their schedule.

I can add up the number of things I accomplished, however, and see that the desire for sleep was a normal occurrence and probably one felt by many - considering the weather. The grey skies, wind and cold tend to make one want to just stay curled up in bed deep under the down, dreaming of a long morning sleep-in and a slow cup of coffee once the urge to venture forth hits... if it does.

I was up bright and shining on my holiday Monday to be out the door and at the lab for blood work - I have a multitude of tests to complete and I am thankful that I have a young doctor who seems to be very thorough in her examination of new patients. I am hoping that all turn out great and, if so, then it is on to working on the weight issue with more attention and focus than I have already been attempting. More willpower and positive choices are required to make a difference - it's just difficult getting there all at once. I received a few emails and visited Internet news links that provided information on various dieting topics; most of the tips extol the virtues of a natural, healthy lifestyle. There are those things you should ensure are included in your diet (blueberries, garlic, olive oil) as well as those things that should be avoided (artificial sweeteners, white flour) - at all costs.

My report for this week: I made small victories in that I, on two occasions, chose salad when I went out to eat. Yes, it accompanied the main part of the meal (chicken wrap for one, a chicken sandwich for another) but it was better than choosing the alternative - fries. The down side to this was that, yes, I went out twice for meals - one for a birthday lunch at work and one for an evening out with a friend. I would beg to argue that the emotional and social aspects of these meals were more beneficial than the actual food - sometimes it's nice not to worry about the things that haunt you because living in complete denial only brings you down - depressing!

I have made meals; I have ignored meals; I parked further from my destination one day to walk more; I parked closer on another; I felt happy; I felt "what the hell" another time; I drank my water; I cried... and I've asked why. Why am I doing this? How could I have possibly let myself get to this point? Can I hang in there?

The short answers are: for me, because, and yes, I'll try. I realize that there are too many opportunities out there to not care and make it a priority. There are too many moments to still enjoy with family and friends. There are still many mountains to climb.

...and there are still millions of words to write.