Filling an Emotional Void

"Like anyone, I've had my down times and my desperate moments, but lately I've been able to move beyond distressing past situations and look toward the future - keeping my eye and focus on the immediate journey. It's too easy to get caught up in the what if's and self-pity based on things that happened to you, once upon a time."

I was here a couple of days ago (it's the 21st but as you will see by the date on the blog, I started the thought on the 19th) and saved the above paragraph to drafts because I did not have the time, feeling or the where-with-all to complete the thought. It is amazing how something that is abandoned dwells in the deepest part of you, reminding you that "I'm still here, come finish what you started." Returning to this thought I, of course, have ventured beyond the realm of it making any sense because the roller-coaster took a turn and I found myself speeding downhill again. But isn't that the way the ride goes? Ever steady climb to a euphoric high, with a sudden plateau - where you might just stay forever, however, that's not what the cards have in store for you - and then you find yourself speeding toward an end that might do any one of a number of things. You just pray it isn't "crash."

We've all reveled in the fact that my back pill use has been suspended and except for some tired body parts after a day's exertion, it has been more the norm for me. I have not come close to what I should be doing for exercise but it is a far cry more than I've been able to do. It is going on three and a half weeks without and the pain has been negligible until - yesterday. My last blog of "mind over matter" came rushing up to meet me, suggesting that my physical health is more tied to my mental and emotional health than I have previously expounded. I know this to be true - it is the feeling of euphoria that fills that emotional void and whether that is the excitement of a new business venture, the passion of a craft honed to perfection day by day, or the love of a significant other, or an addictive substance, like food - everybody relies subconsciously on that special something/someone and when it doesn't exist in a good way, we rely on the things that are bad for us.

Yesterday, I received some news that revealed upsetting concerns with a project I am working on. It was distressing in obvious (answered emails) and subconscious ways (now what can I do) and by the time I arrived home, although very carefully, I almost couldn't walk due to the pain in my lower back/hip joint. It was obvious to me that the mental and emotional "pain" manifested itself as physical pain. This project has brought me immense joy and a realization of a dream, even though it has produced an equally immense amount of work. Something that I gladly take on because of the end product. This project has come to the level that it has in the past three to four weeks. The sudden doubt that hit yesterday is the only explanation I have for the equally sudden pain in my lower joints.

I have come up with a decision and have taken action to rectify the sudden concerns - I am hoping that by the weekend the pain will have subsided again and I can move forward. I still have not taken any pills so am hoping I can weather this brief storm. The "diet" continues with an increase in water intake, increase in fruits and vegetables and a concentrated effort to not eat what's bad for my health. There were a couple of things in the past couple of days that entered the zone and shouldn't have, but hey, don't dwell on failures - focus on successes.

I need to book a blood test too - re: cholesterol check. I am hoping it has gone done even a bit giving me the motivation to try to bring it down some more, on my own. Trying to avoid more pills at all costs...

If you want to freak yourself out (like I did with the cat) consider my horoscopes for the past two days. I don't read them and shape my day to what they proclaim - rather, I read them and see if they actually fit to what already happened. I've had some extremely "on" readings.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19) - Tuesday, July 20

Although you begin the day with high expectations, a combination of events hijacks your day and diminishes your productivity. Your lackadaisical attitude can mess things up even more. Fortunately, you are able to prevent a downward spiral by simply paying attention to the situation instead of burying your head in the sand. Surprisingly, no direct action is required; problems should start to resolve later in the day if you maintain a high level of vigilance.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19) - Wednesday, July 21
You can see around the next bend now and you may be surprised that what's ahead is more familiar than you expected. Nevertheless, it's frustrating when you know what you want but cannot reach your goal by yourself. Once again you are faced with the realization that you must take other people's feelings into consideration when making your own plans. Luckily, with a little patience, you'll be able to establish relationships that support your vision of the future.

You have to know me and my situation to really know how uncanny the above statements really are as a reflection of what actually happened. Like it says, "a little patience" is what's needed. I can add to that "and a whole lot of perseverance."

Take care and have a great week.

Dealing with Grey Days

The weather, feelings and events all play significant roles in how we perceive our lives and how successful we are at our attempts to make things right for ourselves. The weather - it's been grey and verging on miserable. It could be worse but it could also have the propensity to reflect a sunny disposition upon us if it were forecast to do so. There is no control on this factor and we must make the best of it. Grey days sometimes = wanting to devour comfort food to either warm you up, distract you, or just plain make you feel better. I am holding out (smiles like a champion) and one good way is to not have that kind of food in the house.

Feelings - controlled by the weather and it's affect on you; driven by your health and ability to do things; sometimes shaped by the events and happenings around you, often not in your control. You are not an island and what happens in this world, in your own community, in your household and the ever so close, in your heart... affects you. Again, this can equal wanting to divulge in mega pounds of chocolate, or pizza, or grande lattes... Again I am holding out (sheepish smile) all the while, thinking of what I might make for breakfast, knowing I would rather shove a whole pie in the hole. Another good deterrent is the "day before pay day."

Events - keeping busy is the best recourse as it focuses your mind and actions on things that need to be done because they are required, not because they are desired by some remote craving. The downside to this, is the fact that my back hurts and my bones ache (weather?) and I am tired (drained by keeping busy) and therefore, need to pull back and in my case, it means sometimes just missing work to rest and hopefully feel better the next day. It's not all going to go away - just like that - but I know that working on it a little at a time will help.

This is my underlying project for this year - to feel better! I'm not yet going great guns due to the fact that a) it hurts and b) I am working on getting a doctor's appointment to narrow down and confirm if necessary, the diagnosis received last year for my back. With that major obstruction to getting more exercise, it is an obstacle "weighing" on the rest of the means to the end - and the progress is, therefore, slow.

"Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today marks a turning point in your life, as the New Moon falls in your sign. You have been preparing to make an important change in your life. Perhaps you've even had a few false starts in recent months. Now, however, there's no going back. Although it still may take another month to see significant progress, the intention you set now will be sufficient to get the ball rolling in the new direction."

I can always count on my horoscope to confirm the things that are already true in my life. Major changes for me have happened when they were supposed to, as is the case for everyone. Things happen for a reason. It is my challenge in this life to conquer this beast and burden myself no longer with weight issues and dieting. I know what to do to be healthy, happy and helpful - it's the good things that must become a habit to get rid of the bad. I know this to be true. I know this to be "do it or die."