Why Bother

What possible excuse would allow this blog to sleep for one year? What would push this blog and the mission within to the bottom of the pile of things in my life? It should be top most, foremost, upper most, and most of all, THE one thing most important above all else - love of self enough to care that you have your health. For without a healthy disposition - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally - there really is nothing else. You cannot care about others and even less, care for others, when ill health impedes your ability and capabilities. 

I have let many things come between me and my health, putting off what I know in my heart to be the one thing I should guard. I use the past as a resting ground for my excuses and continue to ignore there is only one person who can change things - me. And there are many people who will suffer if something goes wrong. Deep down I cling to the effects of getting over and moving forward only to be hit over the last few years with emotionally draining situations that have me dealing with an over abundance of stress and, to some degree, depression. The break up of a relationship, a new job, a move, caring for family members who were ill, dealing with financial stress, self discovery and indecision, overwhelming feelings of "too much," and finally culminating with the death of my dear mother. Was that the last straw or a defining moment? She supported and encouraged me, saying I really needed to look after myself - for me and my future. Her departure was too quick. It was a blessing for her but I feel cheated. Things will never be the same. And although I cannot continue to put this matter off, I cannot use the way it has turned out as an excuse knowing she wanted so much more for me - I should care... but there are times when I feel like saying... why bother?   

Back Again...

Dear Diet Blog readers:

There is an obvious omission of posts from November and a significant lack of content for the surrounding months of October and December. It is not that I am any less concerned with my own health and "just doing it" means that a constant vigil is in order to improve one's lot. The lack of posts has even less to do with perhaps success in my quest to "diet and lose weight" although things look better, off and on... (unless we are referring to clothes, then, there may be some debate)

With recent concerns for others and all that has happened and continues to happen around me, I realize the increased necessity to be more focused and vigilant for my own health and well-being. It will be with renewed vigor that I attempt to tackle this challenge "again" all the while knowing it was ongoing no matter the commotion around me. Life happens and it must be with companionship that we partner our challenges, our choices, our changes, and our chances - all work in combination to provide the best way to live and live healthy.

A doctor's appointment in early December, although with the primary intent to renew my ongoing prescription of Crestor, revealed good news in that I lost another 4lbs. and reduced my cholesterol levels to acceptable by my doctor's levels. With use of the pill, I was able to lower my bad levels below the 2.0 to 1.7... good job - the doc was happy. On the flip side, my blood pressure was elevated but will be monitored as it might have been the bi-product of recent stressful situations and now family history will play an even more important part in monitoring my own health.

Over the Christmas season, which to me is sometimes an over-rated excuse to eat at random and with abandon - okay, it's my excuse, considering all the work lunches and functions and beyond - I more than likely, or if truly honest, definitely - gained back the 4lbs. recently recorded as lost. I would also be so boldly honest as to claim that a few more probably joined ranks and globbed on ... I am keeping my chin up (keeps the doubles from looking so bad) and remaining positive that this is only a minor set back, if I just look forward instead of behind... (no pun intended, hmmm)

On the eve of the New Year, it is time to look at those things that made a difference, reconnect with them and renew with determination the resolve to do what is necessary to gain (no pun intended again!) the upper hand in this battle. There will be no end to it and I win if I continue to address this challenge with the seriousness that it deserves. (Aside, of course, from the little punnings, jabs and jests, here and there) Will it tire me? Yes - but I have to realize that this is a story with no end and a journey that continues on... and I must just write my way along doing what I must do.

Happy New Year to everyone - although your challenges are your own, remember that everyone has them, in one form or another, and you are not alone in your efforts to better your life. Be safe and be healthy.

Making it All Even Out

All joking aside (see last blog post, :) there is nothing like a visit to the doctor for a swift kick in the good intentions to stoke the fires of change and draw the realization that all things do not always even out or make sense - no matter how hard we try. I failed to make it in to see her at the two week allotted time - instead booking my appointment to bring me at the three week mark, already out of my diet pills. I mentioned to her that this happened and I could tell it probably wasn't the best case scenario when trying to bring something under control. She asked if my appetite changed or if I noticed anything different - there was probably a desire to have those ugly chocolate covered peanuts that I hate so much (tongue in cheek...) but other than that I was verdantly trying to control portions and types of food devoured. I mentioned to her the noticeable irritations or anxieties that I was feeling culminating in a very distressed mood by the weekend. (I wrote last week about the disturbing qualities that were cropping up so I'm not sure if my discovery - to be revealed later in this blog - applies or it may only be part of the reason behind it all) - the dry mouth started the week before so it is possible that my anxiety increased over that uncomfortable feeling, ending up with a sore mouth because I couldn't leave my teeth and gums alone and rest my tongue. I'd consciously hold my mouth one way to make myself stop and next thing I knew it was going on again, and I could just scream. Cried a bit, too.

So in my infinite search for knowledge and the never-ending quest for answers to the forever asked "why" I realized today that there may be an explanation for my recent quandary.

Ah, my fine fellow followers, I hear your silent quizzical ponder - which quandary is she talking about now? But do not fear, I know and accept that certain characteristics of my challenge have taken on some rather revealing confessions, one or two, here and there - but I take to heart your doubt and confirm with almost some certainty - sometimes I really do know which quandary is which and have hope that they will soon fade away, like my weight and sore joints and ... First, however, we will venture into the world of pharmaceuticals and ask the following:

How does Meridia work?

"After eating a meal your body releases the chemicals serotonin and norepinephrine within the brain. The presence of these chemicals in the "appetite control centre" of your brain gives you a feeling of fullness. The quantity of these two chemicals decreases in this area as they get reabsorbed so that they may be reused, and the level to which someone feels full decreases. Meridia works to prevent this re-absorption helping to prolong the feeling of fullness (satiety). As the patient feels full for longer this can help them reduce their food intake."

Interesting? I think so! It goes to my old argument that appetite suppressants will not work on someone who eats without the need for hunger to advise you that you need to eat because you are hungry. The feeling of satiety is accompanied with higher serotonin levels and that is the "feel good" feeling I was talking about. If you follow the link for serotonin you will be able to read about the possible, but not proven in the living brain, connection between serotonin levels and depression. It was also interesting to me to read that some of the side effects of Meridia include anxiety and irritation, the very feelings I experienced AFTER I was off the pills for a couple of days. If Meridia works for me it is due to the relationship with the serotonin levels - keep them up and I feel good, no anxiety, no irritability because it feels like I've just eaten my favorite food, constantly. So going off of these with the suddenness that I did last week is not good, as it is a "cold turkey" reaction that I experienced afterward. If they are working, it is because they make me feel good like a anti-depressant. Those disturbing thoughts and feelings that came to me then can be explained by the "low" I slumped into - perhaps, not a good side effect of a diet pill and I will have to ease off of them, with the advice of my doctor, once that time comes.

My appointment revealed two things - I lost another 4 lbs. - a small steady victory, however, my blood pressure was up enough to concern my doctor and I have to go back for a check on it when I do my blood test for the Crestor results - around the middle of the month. The dilemma will be if I want to stay on the diet pills the blood pressure better come down or I'll have to take medication for that - is there a "win situation" somewhere here? I do realize that I must increase my physical activity to increase my success rate in this challenge but try doing that with a knee that is bothering you and a desire that does not go beyond writing. Little bites. Little steps. I am working towards making it all even out - but sometimes it's hard to justify the effort and an end to a means.

Another Week Gone Bye-bye

Considering the overall changes I've made (few) and the progress I feel is there, (perhaps all in my mind) I would have to say I don't feel too bad, considering all. I will have to check in with the doctor again next week (I forgot to phone on Friday!) if I am to refill the diet pills - I let four weeks go by instead of two for a check in. Then, I'll have to go again in two or three weeks to have my blood work rechecked and hopefully six weeks on Crestor will result in some kind of change (minuscule?). I've been managing to fit breakfast in every day (Fiber 1 and fruit and 1% milk) and by taking a lunch I find that I am really not too hungry at supper time. (too lazy to cook anyway...) Diet-wise I am hanging in there, noticing at times I am diligent at refusing to give in to certain cravings, then turn around and in another instance, I cave. Just a small cave like something chocolate with nuts or an ice cream - no chips or fries or donuts (small greasy victories). I don't weigh myself all the time (don't have a scale at home) so gauging by some of my clothes and comparing the way they used to fit to how they fit now, I think I could safely say I have lost a couple more pounds. The horror (ugh!) of it all is a scary realization that looking trim and firming up is not going to happen without exercise to tone muscles and bring in that skin that seems to have lost its elasticity. I guess it's only me that has to deal with the sight of a baggy body, so I do (I close my eyes or dress in the dark... lol) - I don't expect to get too close to anyone in the near future, anyway. Lost my desire? No, but just facing a reality that certain things might not be in the stars for me. I feel sad when I think like that and then have to bite it, before I bite off something to chew and eat it and then the vicious cycle begins... There are many things going on in my head right now, that focusing on one thing to change is not easy. There is no use worrying about the future wondering what's going to happen and what changes might need to be made. I thought I had that worrying thing under control but I realize lately that my daughter is probably right - I worry too much about too many things. "No, I don't" I say but some annoying habits have come to my attention that can only indicate a nervousness or agitation of some sort. I am thinking (or hoping as a way to explain it) maybe it's a reaction or side effect to the pills I am on, but I'm not sure. My nails have always taken the brunt of it and I can be good and leave them alone - then they're gone like they were on the chopping block or something. My cuticles are a mess and with the cooler weather, dry skin is returning with a vengeance. I have also noticed that my mouth is really bothering me - today, culminating in an obsession that I cannot quit even if I consciously try to - I've been picking at teeth, sucking on gums, poking with tongue into crevices - and now my tongue and lips hurt and my mouth has an uncomfortable dryness... yuck! It's enough to make me cry (and I do, at times, for a moment, then move on) and I wish I could explain all this so I understood it, and I know if I can't, others surely won't. This is one of those posts that goes no where fast, except downhill; brought on by guilt of not writing to my challenge sooner and being too tired earlier to want to and then after deciding it was time to go to bed, keep on plugging (playing stupid computer games) away and all of a sudden it's midnight and there is nothing more to do but write something foolish and long-winded. It's a confession, I guess, or a virtual visit with a couch-less shrink - myself. I need a diversion...

How about that weather today?

Keeping it a Priority

Tonight I realized I haven't written as many blogs this month, and in fact, the posts have steadily decreased since I started writing here at the end of March. After four months, my explanations and excuses could be many and varied, but perhaps there is some remnant of success that explains the apparent lackadaisical posting process.

The need to put things down on paper is a cleansing that purges bad thoughts, ill will and other misconceived components that clog up, not only the mind and spirit, but the physical body as well. The connection between all three facets of our being are not easily separated and when one does not function up to par, the others, in their attempt to compensate, sometimes fall behind as well. My attempt to document my challenge gained momentum as it plunged full speed ahead. I had something to prove - that my weight and the repeated efforts to lose it, are my challenge. No one else can do that for me, although, I am blessed with a wonderful support system - something required in any of life's challenges.

During the beginning of this effort, I found I had to make myself realize the areas that are my downfall and by writing about them, I was able to identify the things that I needed to change about myself in order to direct a change in things that were not going well for me. The repetition was systematic and I wrote more and posted regularly, in a scheduled manner, much like the one that is needed to take control of your eating, your exercise, your water consumption, your supplement and vitamin taking, toward implementing a general change in your life and your lifestyle.

Now, I am not claiming great feats of accomplishment but there is a balance that happens to show that the efforts are working in some respects. I don't have to continue to remind myself to drink more water, for instance. I always have a glass of water at home, or a bottle of water on my desk at work, and am enjoying just a glass of water with meals instead of other beverages. Pop and flavored-artificially-sweetened waters are no longer part of my regular intake. An overly busy life was usually the reason/excuse for fast food stops - I am just as busy but even when tired, it is more appealing to cook something healthy upon arriving home, than to stop and fill a hunger need with unhealthy substances. I have had the occasional McD's breakfast but nothing that would constitute a habit-forming precedence. I have, however, made taking multi-vitamins, D3, Flax Oil, and Calcium supplements a habit and this could contribute to the "feeling better in the bones." Mind you, there are still some aches and minor pains, but getting better all the time.

The Canada Health Food Guide recommendations have become a part of our routine - Kelsey and I are beginning to watch our intake to ensure we are getting the required servings of fruits, vegetables, protein, dairy products, grains ... and fibre. Once you start, believe me it works! Sweets are limited, white flour products are not used (whole wheat pasta is awesome!) and we are cooking more meals with olive oil using any and all non-fry methods of cooking. It takes time to get yourself into a routine but it soon becomes the norm. The secret to keeping yourself in a forward motion is not getting all hung up on days that might not seem as good - allowing yourself that craving once in awhile makes all the difference in accepting the rest of the time in a healthy way. Going out for a meal doesn't have to throw you off your "diet" if you just remember to select something that contributes to your change, rather than sabotaging it. (No fries!)

My concern that blogging here is reduced because of my concentration on the necessary changes can be taken as somewhat of a success, even though I am miles away from the award presentation! This is going to be continuous and is a matter that must be take seriously from now on.

My continuing challenge is to remember where I was, where I am, and where I am going. I am happy to say that my spirit is strong and here's hoping that my knees and hips last just as long.

I Didn't Fall off the Wagon

Ha! So, here it is - my post will show that I am a week behind and that really isn't true at all. I've just not been HERE to post and not because I haven't been thinking about writing here. The commitment has made a permanent dent in the back of my mind, reminding me that "you have to post on your challenge or they'll all think you've given up and gone home..." Well, my dear reader-follower-friends (you know who you are) I have not fallen off the wagon or under the apple cart or even succumbed to a fast-f00d frenzy of macs and fries and cakes and pies.

Not a chance! I am glad I waited until today to post because I am feeling quite good about most things. Some time along the way I might have been singing and writing a different tune, but today went well enough. I didn't even have to take a back pill - in all reality, I ran out and haven't been to the pharmacy to refill 'em but chanced the day without, remaining upright and regular enough to post this message somewhat late in the evening.

So mid-week last week, I went into the doctor's office to discuss some results. I do believe I mentioned that in my last post and at the time I remember feeling a little at odds with the whole situation given her usual procedure - she doesn't call you unless something needs to be discussed or something is wrong. Well, worry. Can you say "osteopenia?" It appears I have a thinning of the bones - not as serious as osteoporosis but could be a precursor - which cannot really be reversed although it can be slowed or stopped or something with pills and what have you. I have recently taken to the habit of calcium and vitamin D3 so have chosen to take the year to see how the situation measures up by then. Some pills are an apparent pain to take; some are expensive but work and are not covered by health plans; some are inexpensive and are covered by health plans and are a scheduling nightmare; shots are available that last a long time, however, cost hundreds of dollars and are, again, not covered. Oh, decisions, decisions. How about none? The good news is that tests showed my heart is good (it's also true, although a little cracked) and the mamms are apparently healthy even if a bit lumpy...

I am still watching what I eat, literally, although with some abandon but with constant reminder that: I must eat certain things, can't eat certain things, and I don't care either way and eat some things, anyway. I am drinking lots of water, and no, I haven't taken up any form of sweat-producing or weight-bearing exercise. That whole suggestion threw me considering my knees already have a problem "bearing" the weight I have already, why not throw in a bit more, for good measure? Don't know what I'm waiting for but it just doesn't seem to fit into the plan right at the moment. I'm busy writing, building publishing empires, and keeping up with everything else on my plate. Not literally.

My successes in other areas, at times, take attention off this challenge - but it never goes away. I am reminded of it when: I can't find clothes to wear because I have to wear the same things over and over that fit me right now; I limit what I do, even if I feel not so bad, because I know I will pay for it in the end (or there abouts); I don't have a relationship to speak of or can claim to have had anything remotely close to what I would call a date, of late; and I couldn't lie on the bone density machine bed thingy for fear of it collapsing into a huge heap of imaging metal...... okay, it wasn't that bad and... they have alternatives for us larger people. And although I have not lost weight further to the last weigh-in, I have not gained anthing, except perspective :)

All humor aside, this is no laughing matter. I intend to do what I can to combat this foe and do take this challenge seriously, at least 99% of the time. That remaining 1% has to exist to allow me to get that kick-it-in-the-butt realization that something has to be done because it is.... do it or die.

p.s. in posting this, I wish my mom a speedy recovery from a sudden bladder infection - be strong and flush it away - love you!

Keep on Going

The days go by as they usually do and it's almost another weekend - the time that most employed people look forward to, well, at least those employed people who work Monday to Friday. I missed a couple in between there with a few down days as I felt under the weather, so to speak. My back was giving me grief and every other part of me seems to chime in with sympathy creating a general feeling of blah! The weather was a bit cooler so sometimes I wonder if my problem is more arthritic. In any case, I needed the rest and the ability to just do nothing if I chose. I tend to like those days very much as I don't really do nothing - I write and do little things here and there. I rest when needed but the most important thing is that I just stay home.

Not everyone has that luxury and it has taken me quite a few years of working to find the job that allows me this flexibility - my back or weight issues have not interfered with my work and I want to keep it that way. My work is brain not braun driven, good thing, although long days in front of the computer can take its toll on a body in so many different ways. It is important to move, get up and stretch - I make sure I do this or else I won't be moving much at all. Those back pills first thing in the morning allow me this mobility until there is a stabbing reminder to shift positions for a moment.

Yesterday was a good day, well as good as it can be right now - there is that niggling feeling that if I do too much I could be in pain again. Although I drank my water as required, I made the mistake of not eating all day. This is something I know to be the wrong way to go for proper body fueling... sometimes you just go along, consciously ignoring pointed cravings and it's like eating is not one of the things high on your list of things to do. I wish this were the case all the time but as time goes on it will get easier to move it down the list.

I spent a wonderful evening with my Mom - we enjoyed supper together and shared a few laughs and conversation. I have to say that the supper we had did not stay with me long and we even commented at one point during the visit "why do I still have weight on me if things I eat go right through me?" By the time I got home later that evening, more stuff was moving through me... so feeling hungry, I finished up another bottle of water and had some fruit for a snack while watching Survivor.

There are a number of things that keep me going and it is my hope that by blogging this challenge I can manage to make it past that point of giving up in sheer despair. Often while doing what you know is right, there are feelings of "why am I doing this... struggling and suffering through this?" But right there is the most important reason to do anything for yourself - to lessen the struggle and the suffering. It's worth the challenge to live right, live healthy and live long.

Dealing with Grey Days

The weather, feelings and events all play significant roles in how we perceive our lives and how successful we are at our attempts to make things right for ourselves. The weather - it's been grey and verging on miserable. It could be worse but it could also have the propensity to reflect a sunny disposition upon us if it were forecast to do so. There is no control on this factor and we must make the best of it. Grey days sometimes = wanting to devour comfort food to either warm you up, distract you, or just plain make you feel better. I am holding out (smiles like a champion) and one good way is to not have that kind of food in the house.

Feelings - controlled by the weather and it's affect on you; driven by your health and ability to do things; sometimes shaped by the events and happenings around you, often not in your control. You are not an island and what happens in this world, in your own community, in your household and the ever so close, in your heart... affects you. Again, this can equal wanting to divulge in mega pounds of chocolate, or pizza, or grande lattes... Again I am holding out (sheepish smile) all the while, thinking of what I might make for breakfast, knowing I would rather shove a whole pie in the hole. Another good deterrent is the "day before pay day."

Events - keeping busy is the best recourse as it focuses your mind and actions on things that need to be done because they are required, not because they are desired by some remote craving. The downside to this, is the fact that my back hurts and my bones ache (weather?) and I am tired (drained by keeping busy) and therefore, need to pull back and in my case, it means sometimes just missing work to rest and hopefully feel better the next day. It's not all going to go away - just like that - but I know that working on it a little at a time will help.

This is my underlying project for this year - to feel better! I'm not yet going great guns due to the fact that a) it hurts and b) I am working on getting a doctor's appointment to narrow down and confirm if necessary, the diagnosis received last year for my back. With that major obstruction to getting more exercise, it is an obstacle "weighing" on the rest of the means to the end - and the progress is, therefore, slow.

"Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today marks a turning point in your life, as the New Moon falls in your sign. You have been preparing to make an important change in your life. Perhaps you've even had a few false starts in recent months. Now, however, there's no going back. Although it still may take another month to see significant progress, the intention you set now will be sufficient to get the ball rolling in the new direction."

I can always count on my horoscope to confirm the things that are already true in my life. Major changes for me have happened when they were supposed to, as is the case for everyone. Things happen for a reason. It is my challenge in this life to conquer this beast and burden myself no longer with weight issues and dieting. I know what to do to be healthy, happy and helpful - it's the good things that must become a habit to get rid of the bad. I know this to be true. I know this to be "do it or die."