Moderately Well

Sometimes I think things are going smoothly and I am contented that the little effort is paying off and then it goes south for a bit and then climbs again... rising and falling like the waves on the ocean with nothing between you and the bottom but a PFD full of air... life savers come in all colors, shapes and sizes and keep you from drowning in every metaphorical way. I consider many people to be life savers - family, friends - and also things, like my job - it gets me out of the house, gives me some kind of routine, offers challenges to my mind and my analytical thinking, and of course, brings me a much needed pay cheque.

Much by the same token, I consider my writing a life saver in that it keeps me absorbed and busy so that idle hands don't feed idle mouth that ends up on idle butt and thighs. Sitting for long periods of time is not life saving, however. It's a tug-of-war because I still am not really interested in doing much more in the way of exercise even though I realize the expenditure of calories is what I need most to find success with this diet challenge.

Today I went for more tests... I do believe they are the last batch until next month's check on the cholesterol level. Nothing now but the waiting and if I don't hear anything, that's good news. It will then be all up to me and I'll have to step it up a notch - just wondering how that's going to be possible when I am already doing too much. The good news from today was that I apparently have dropped another 3 pounds since my last doctor's appointment.

I also read recently that the body holds onto weight due to the deficiency in calcium and you have trouble losing weight when your body's working against you to hold on to it. My doctor just prescribed 1500 mg of calcium per day as well as 2000 iu of Vitamin D (I use the D3 combo) and Kelsey and I also started taking flax seed oil caplets. So hopefully, with all these little changes, things will start to move along.

All in all, I consider myself to be doing, moderately well. Looking forward to an enjoyably busy summer and some much needed sunshine now... hint, hint weather.

Weekend Report

So. I stressed all the way to the west end for this echocardiogram, thinking it might be a treadmill test of some kind vowing to accept failure if they needed me to run - no running with this body, it would kill my knees - anyway, traffic was crazy and I was trying to find a building I've never been to before all the while thinking "damn, don't make me run... I'm going to fail..." In reality, if I had read my test requisition thoroughly I would have realized it was under "ultrasound" and therefore does not require standing, let alone walking and running. Whew! Good thing they weren't taking my blood pressure.

IT was a bit uncomfortable lying there - hold that, lean this way, put your arm up there - then, I'm laughing to myself thinking "my god, there's something about everything, isn't there?" It could have been worse and it wasn't so bad. Tired me out, though, running about here and there. Went home none the worse for wear and had a nap. I will have to wait until the doc gets the results because they (the clinic) are not at liberty to say anything about people's tests - I don't expect to hear anything, really, I hope...

Ankles and feet seem to be doing much better although the swelling has not completely disappeared. At least I can slip my shoes off and on without employing a pry bar and a vice....... Water consumption - check. Awareness of food and eating habits - check. Realization that foods containing golden brown coating or color are bad for me and must be ousted from the diet. Checking. Realization that all my bad lifestyle habits were passed down to my daughter during the processes I used as a single parent with no time and money - and now we both try to make changes. Check out. Realization that changes must come from action - not speaking. Check, please.

I don't think that in the grand scheme of things there has been any gain (ooops, don't say that word) in monetary values although health values may increase - buying groceries that must consist of healthy foods costs money. We have in relation to that (or the other way around, rather) reduced our trips to fast food joints and therefore put that money to better things - like healthier foods from the grocery story. Let's face it, buying good bread, whole grains, fruits and vegetables, fresh vs. canned... it's more expensive than indulging in the time saving burgers and fries. In the long run, of course, it's a trade off that is better for you but in the meantime $200 grocery bills are new to me.

The upside is, my horoscope for 2010 reads that " a renewed commitment to diet and health shows instant results this fall." Can't wait for that pile of fat at my feet in September! What can I trade for a pound of flesh these days?

Fast, Fast, Fast

Fast. This is not just a reference to how the weekend is passing, dwindling away and with barely any sunshine at all! It is not warm here - they even have a "frost warning" flashing on the weather network for tonight. Glad I don't do the gardening thing. Still, it would have been nice to try out the lovely large lounging balcony, but perhaps there will be another time for that.

Instead of soaking up the sun or the rain as the case may be, I've been soaking up the monitor for the past two days. Working on some writing projects and posting new stuff to the blogs and web sites etc.etc... Spent the weekend at home alone and sometimes that is not a good thing for the food situation - meaning it is readily available any time - the one good thing about it is, we've recently invested in stocking the kitchen with healthy stuff. Can you really eat too much fruit or vegetables? I noticed an uncaring attitude towards eating after my disappointment on Friday - it almost feels like, what's the point? Try. Try harder. And still get nowhere?

No worries. The tests are underway in order to ensure I don't have some dread disease or something that might need more attention than I am willing to give at this time. No matter how much you do well, there is always something that is not good enough. I only drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning. Doc says that's good. I don't smoke. Doc says that's great. I haven't been eating chips (none since March 29 or prior) or chocolate bars (rarely) or too much ice cream ( a couple of times since March 29 or prior). I have cut out French Fries (only twice, April 3 and May 18 since March 29 or prior) and have increased my fruit and vegetable servings dramatically. I don't, however, get enough milk - see, always something - I have been eating yogurt, though, so that should count... now have to remember the supplement. Oh, well.

I really wonder sometimes if anyone really gets how hard this is - those who are going through it do, but anyone without a weight problem or a dependency on a need to fill a hole that you wouldn't think evident in a usually outwardly semi-contented, semi-happy person. There are so many worse things, I know, but this is my bane and I must endure. I try not to think in the negatives about being overweight, about being alone, about struggling to let go of stress and over indulgence.

I cry. I remember. I think. I stop and then start all over again. I go on. At times, it feels like for naught but it is ... it is for me. Am I not worth it?

p.s. Fast. Good way not to eat for a duration of time... and then again I think woo-hoo - not so bad as I'll be sleeping for most of it! Nothing for 12 hours - blood tests in the morning - yes the clinic is open. I noticed the sign on the door Friday when I had done what I could. Othello, my low talking, mumbling, and I couldn't hear half of what he was saying lab technician says "don't you want to come back when you're ready to do all the tests?" No... do what you can now and I will come back for the rest! So we did and I will and 8:00 on a holiday morning will come early.