Funny thing happened...

It's another day down on another holiday weekend and we are 3/4 ways through the long of it. In explanation - it was a long, long weekend for me anyway with Thursday AND Friday off. Glad to have the extra time to work on the extra paperwork and extra jobs associated with the extracurricular activities. Writing and publishing business is exciting and helps to keep my mind on other matters and off of food. Or, at least, I'm trying...

I feel good, even though, I am experiencing the odd bout of distracting woe - cannot explain it other than the occasion has come up to sometimes say the words "alone" and in realizing that I am able to devote the time to establishing companies and writing lengthy and frequently required documents without consideration for anyone but myself. Doesn't that sound heavenly? In fact, it is - so it escapes me why I am feeling down at times and those are the times I fear because dependency steps in to soothe a solitary soul.

It's like giving me a bag of leftover cookies to keep for the next event - really?

*Snap out of it* The good news to share that I cannot explain any more than my dependency on the comfort of food is the fact that I have not had to take a back pill for the last week. I ran out of the muscle relaxants the doctor prescribed to try instead of over the counter combinations and I ran out last Sunday. Thinking I'd pick up the refill at the pharmacy on Monday on my way home after I managed to get through the day - it surprised me to find that I didn't need to take anything. I did not stop to fill prescription. It is not miraculously healed - I know that if I pushed myself too far I would need something for the pain and there are some things that quickly remind me of the weakness with a twinge of "oh, that's not right" - but I've just continued going along doing what I need to do and it's brought me to a week without. I think that's a small victory but I am unsure what I can attribute it to?!?!?!?

I spent last night as a volunteer at the Freewill Players Shakespeare in the Park. It was a wonderful night and although I left before it was completely finished I totally enjoyed the walk through the park, my job at the box office, and sitting with hot chocolate to warm me as I watched the players. It started to cool down - I'm talking long-sleeved shirt, our volunteer t-shirt and fleece hoodie - cool. Time to leave while there was still a smile on my face and no pain in my back. My knees and feet hurt a bit (not the best shoes :) but all's well that end's well, today. Last year I had to cancel out because I could not make it through the night of volunteering - this year I was determined to get back to my normal and enjoy the things I love to do.

Crossing all fingers (which by the way, makes typing very difficult) that these little victories continue, without celebratory foods. Bring on the wine!

Fast, Fast, Fast

Fast. This is not just a reference to how the weekend is passing, dwindling away and with barely any sunshine at all! It is not warm here - they even have a "frost warning" flashing on the weather network for tonight. Glad I don't do the gardening thing. Still, it would have been nice to try out the lovely large lounging balcony, but perhaps there will be another time for that.

Instead of soaking up the sun or the rain as the case may be, I've been soaking up the monitor for the past two days. Working on some writing projects and posting new stuff to the blogs and web sites etc.etc... Spent the weekend at home alone and sometimes that is not a good thing for the food situation - meaning it is readily available any time - the one good thing about it is, we've recently invested in stocking the kitchen with healthy stuff. Can you really eat too much fruit or vegetables? I noticed an uncaring attitude towards eating after my disappointment on Friday - it almost feels like, what's the point? Try. Try harder. And still get nowhere?

No worries. The tests are underway in order to ensure I don't have some dread disease or something that might need more attention than I am willing to give at this time. No matter how much you do well, there is always something that is not good enough. I only drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning. Doc says that's good. I don't smoke. Doc says that's great. I haven't been eating chips (none since March 29 or prior) or chocolate bars (rarely) or too much ice cream ( a couple of times since March 29 or prior). I have cut out French Fries (only twice, April 3 and May 18 since March 29 or prior) and have increased my fruit and vegetable servings dramatically. I don't, however, get enough milk - see, always something - I have been eating yogurt, though, so that should count... now have to remember the supplement. Oh, well.

I really wonder sometimes if anyone really gets how hard this is - those who are going through it do, but anyone without a weight problem or a dependency on a need to fill a hole that you wouldn't think evident in a usually outwardly semi-contented, semi-happy person. There are so many worse things, I know, but this is my bane and I must endure. I try not to think in the negatives about being overweight, about being alone, about struggling to let go of stress and over indulgence.

I cry. I remember. I think. I stop and then start all over again. I go on. At times, it feels like for naught but it is ... it is for me. Am I not worth it?

p.s. Fast. Good way not to eat for a duration of time... and then again I think woo-hoo - not so bad as I'll be sleeping for most of it! Nothing for 12 hours - blood tests in the morning - yes the clinic is open. I noticed the sign on the door Friday when I had done what I could. Othello, my low talking, mumbling, and I couldn't hear half of what he was saying lab technician says "don't you want to come back when you're ready to do all the tests?" No... do what you can now and I will come back for the rest! So we did and I will and 8:00 on a holiday morning will come early.

Good Friday

Today was a beautiful day here - the weather was awesome and I had the day off work with pay! What more can you ask for? I've been continuing my effort to keep busy and forget about eating although at times, well, it just calls to me. Another good thing about today is that the swelling in my legs and feet has lessened to the point of actually being close to normal. I attribute this to cutting back on the amount of beverages with artificial sweetener, such as diet pop or flavored waters. It is the only thing that I can think of that I have increased my consumption of in the past little while that might have caused the swelling. So, cutting back to none has proved to me that I perhaps shouldn't drink it. Time frame for cutting out the offender? Since I started this blog - March 29th. Who would think it would be detrimental when artificial sweeteners cut down on sugar consumption? It just goes to show you that "natural is definitely best."

So I continue to monitor my plain, refreshing natural water intake and try to get what I need to keep hydrated. It's a simple thing but it's easy to fall out of habit if you don't consciously remind yourself to have it close at hand. I now keep a water bottle on my desk and ensure that I fill it once I empty it. It's also a good idea to get up and stretch! I have a habit (unless the pain reminds me) of sitting too long at the computer writing, drawing or playing games. I sit for my job too - the butt gets a great workout!

For the record, I know all the things that should be done for a healthy lifestyle change. Recall the yo-you comment in a previous post? I've been through all this before and have had success but it's frustrating to know that I can't keep the good things going and leave things that are bad for me out of my life. It isn't easy sometimes because it is dependent upon the situation, timing and a lot of other things, like emotions. These are not excuses - this is what drives this part of my life. I am an emotional eater - especially when depressed, upset or lonely. I have come to a point now in my life where I do realize that I have to control it because otherwise it controls me.

Also for the record, I was active in many sports and activities which probably helped control my weight even though I might not have controlled my diet. Proof of that would be the gall bladder attacks I had when I was in my early twenties. By the time I was 28 I had to have emergency gall bladder surgery to have it removed - my doctor told me it "was full of stones." I am thinking that it would have been better that I had to stick to a strict diet after its removal but there was none. What good is the thing then if I can eat anything after I don't have it anymore? I used to play all kinds of racquet sports, bike ride, downhill and cross-country ski, skate, bowl, play baseball, hike, dancing and probably a whole list of other things. Most of them are not even a spectator sport now!

Back to the present. Get healthy and feeling well enough to walk. Walk enough to stay healthy and feel good about my body again. I'd kick myself in the butt if only I knew I wouldn't pull something. I think back to only four years ago when I started to lose weight again and knew I looked good in what I wore. I had someone who appreciated my size and I was able to contain my eating because I was happy.

I will never be a small size and will always be larger than a lot of women - I am never going to be a skinny-minny, a model or have an athletic body. I can be in shape and active, however, for the type of person I am and the type of life I want to have that keeps me getting up and going forward every day.

Four years ago that summer, I was 49 and in love. Tomorrow, I will be 53 and I am okay with being by myself and being who I am while I make the changes necessary to be the best me I can be.

So... Day one

Today I resolved to do what I could to make a good start - again! If I had a dime for every time... well, you know, I'd be rich but I'd probably still be fat! I do plan to do a few things I know are good for me and also thought that perhaps for every time I thought of food I could be here blogging a new post. Okay, I'd never get anything done but would certainly log a record number of blogs. Ah, I'm not that bad for there are many other things I think of, not just food. It's an on-again, off-again relationship that goes good and goes bad. On several occasions over the years (yo-yo) I have been able to control my intake and increase my output in order to lose weight and feel good. As I grow older, however, the ability to increase output has become extremely painful and it has me somewhat concerned.

In the summer of 2007, I experienced back pain that I have not been able to get rid of - not through rest, medication, exercise or by just plain ignoring it. I remember the first time - I bent over to pick something up and it knotted, pulled, cramped, twisted sharp enough and painful enough that I almost couldn't stand up again. It happens frequently and has been severe enough that I have to constantly take back medication in order to relax it in the morning so I can go about my day. I visited emergency in the late fall of 2007, had x-rays, was handed muscle relaxants and pain killers, and sent on my merry way. I was told "oh, by the way, you have a kidney stone." Thanks.

Last April, I went to another doctor. Yes, I went all through 2008 without seeing anyone - but I did have a bout with the kidney stone and an emergency room in October 2008 and it has since passed... This fine medical practitioner told me I had DDD - Degenerative Disc Disease and "by the way, lose weight and keep active." I don't need someone who uses this to pass off their diagnosis and get rid of me. He didn't ask history, didn't do all tests that should be done for a woman my age, but in hindsight, I should have insisted on having them done. I realize my weight is an issue, but I never had back problems before - I could lift, move, and work a long day helping my mom and just feel tired. I wouldn't be in so much pain that I could not move, get up or feel any better even after I slept for 7 - 8 hours. I don't remember the last time I got up in the morning, stretched and felt all refreshed!

I am on the list to go to another doctor but this country's health care system sucks even if it is free for some and available for all. You can choose to go to the Medi-Centres and wait a couple of hours with a bunch of sick people for a generic check-up or try to find a doctor that is taking new patients... good luck with that one! I expect that by sometime in May, the new doctor I did find might have room to see me. Then I will appreciate the time to review my history, discuss what the best options are, if any, and be dealt with compassionately - not just told to "lose weight and keep active."

So, day one involved drinking a lot of water. Trying to flush out kidneys and hydrate so that I don't retain water. Swollen legs and ankles have been the bane of my existence for the last two weeks. It was this bothersome condition that has me concerned although I try to just keep going, no matter what. I had mixed vegetables and small boiled potatoes with Becel and seasoning for supper. I am hungry but know it will have to be something I consciously try to control.

So, day one is over.