Why Bother

What possible excuse would allow this blog to sleep for one year? What would push this blog and the mission within to the bottom of the pile of things in my life? It should be top most, foremost, upper most, and most of all, THE one thing most important above all else - love of self enough to care that you have your health. For without a healthy disposition - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally - there really is nothing else. You cannot care about others and even less, care for others, when ill health impedes your ability and capabilities. 

I have let many things come between me and my health, putting off what I know in my heart to be the one thing I should guard. I use the past as a resting ground for my excuses and continue to ignore there is only one person who can change things - me. And there are many people who will suffer if something goes wrong. Deep down I cling to the effects of getting over and moving forward only to be hit over the last few years with emotionally draining situations that have me dealing with an over abundance of stress and, to some degree, depression. The break up of a relationship, a new job, a move, caring for family members who were ill, dealing with financial stress, self discovery and indecision, overwhelming feelings of "too much," and finally culminating with the death of my dear mother. Was that the last straw or a defining moment? She supported and encouraged me, saying I really needed to look after myself - for me and my future. Her departure was too quick. It was a blessing for her but I feel cheated. Things will never be the same. And although I cannot continue to put this matter off, I cannot use the way it has turned out as an excuse knowing she wanted so much more for me - I should care... but there are times when I feel like saying... why bother?   

Oh, where, oh where...

...has my little dog gone or where, oh where, have I been?

First off, no little dog here so no little dog gone. And secondly, been nowhere different from my usual, normal, crazy week with a slight bit of down time about Thursday. It's funny I can usually gauge the week by my overwhelming propensity to want to nap by Thursday afternoon - and to top it all off, it would be considered a "short" week by all those who have a holiday Monday in their schedule.

I can add up the number of things I accomplished, however, and see that the desire for sleep was a normal occurrence and probably one felt by many - considering the weather. The grey skies, wind and cold tend to make one want to just stay curled up in bed deep under the down, dreaming of a long morning sleep-in and a slow cup of coffee once the urge to venture forth hits... if it does.

I was up bright and shining on my holiday Monday to be out the door and at the lab for blood work - I have a multitude of tests to complete and I am thankful that I have a young doctor who seems to be very thorough in her examination of new patients. I am hoping that all turn out great and, if so, then it is on to working on the weight issue with more attention and focus than I have already been attempting. More willpower and positive choices are required to make a difference - it's just difficult getting there all at once. I received a few emails and visited Internet news links that provided information on various dieting topics; most of the tips extol the virtues of a natural, healthy lifestyle. There are those things you should ensure are included in your diet (blueberries, garlic, olive oil) as well as those things that should be avoided (artificial sweeteners, white flour) - at all costs.

My report for this week: I made small victories in that I, on two occasions, chose salad when I went out to eat. Yes, it accompanied the main part of the meal (chicken wrap for one, a chicken sandwich for another) but it was better than choosing the alternative - fries. The down side to this was that, yes, I went out twice for meals - one for a birthday lunch at work and one for an evening out with a friend. I would beg to argue that the emotional and social aspects of these meals were more beneficial than the actual food - sometimes it's nice not to worry about the things that haunt you because living in complete denial only brings you down - depressing!

I have made meals; I have ignored meals; I parked further from my destination one day to walk more; I parked closer on another; I felt happy; I felt "what the hell" another time; I drank my water; I cried... and I've asked why. Why am I doing this? How could I have possibly let myself get to this point? Can I hang in there?

The short answers are: for me, because, and yes, I'll try. I realize that there are too many opportunities out there to not care and make it a priority. There are too many moments to still enjoy with family and friends. There are still many mountains to climb.

...and there are still millions of words to write.