Why Bother

What possible excuse would allow this blog to sleep for one year? What would push this blog and the mission within to the bottom of the pile of things in my life? It should be top most, foremost, upper most, and most of all, THE one thing most important above all else - love of self enough to care that you have your health. For without a healthy disposition - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally - there really is nothing else. You cannot care about others and even less, care for others, when ill health impedes your ability and capabilities. 

I have let many things come between me and my health, putting off what I know in my heart to be the one thing I should guard. I use the past as a resting ground for my excuses and continue to ignore there is only one person who can change things - me. And there are many people who will suffer if something goes wrong. Deep down I cling to the effects of getting over and moving forward only to be hit over the last few years with emotionally draining situations that have me dealing with an over abundance of stress and, to some degree, depression. The break up of a relationship, a new job, a move, caring for family members who were ill, dealing with financial stress, self discovery and indecision, overwhelming feelings of "too much," and finally culminating with the death of my dear mother. Was that the last straw or a defining moment? She supported and encouraged me, saying I really needed to look after myself - for me and my future. Her departure was too quick. It was a blessing for her but I feel cheated. Things will never be the same. And although I cannot continue to put this matter off, I cannot use the way it has turned out as an excuse knowing she wanted so much more for me - I should care... but there are times when I feel like saying... why bother?   

Somewhere.....

Somewhere there is a good reason why I have not been diligent in my posts - and I think it's buried SOMEWHERE under all the paperwork I have been doing lately. I have been asked "when do you sleep?" but surprisingly enough, I actually get enough and find I only really long for one morning a week that I don't have to abide by the alarm clock's ring. Perhaps all the activity has contributed to my increased stress levels but I'm not sure - I always love to keep busy and don't want to think that doing too much, even in areas where you are passionate, can be detrimental to one's health.

I am well under the effects of the dual medications now, and am due to see my doctor again to check my blood pressure and weight after 2 weeks on 15mg dose diet pills. It's another 4 weeks yet until I check my cholesterol level and I hope that by taking these pills I am able to control what seems to be elusive without. I am well aware it takes a concentrated effort to remain healthy and make changes that contribute to an overall lifestyle change. Small steps. I continue to make little things into good habits, and with further concentration on the challenge at hand, I am certain I can make further changes if I apply myself.

So other than feeling a bit tired, off and on, I have not been feeling too bad - the side effects have diminished and I don't seem to be experiencing anything negative from taking them - I am able fall asleep and stay asleep and the headaches have subsided. That said, I am still dealing with the urge to eat, however, when facing emotional situations. This is the area that concerns me with taking appetite suppressants - yes, I have noticed less hunger and have cut down on the serving sizes. This is the most important thing to be diligent in - most servings we eat are really 2 or 3 times what we should have and as I contemplate that stupid little double cheeseburger that packs a 430 calorie punch in a very little wrapper, I know that counting calories and bringing down your intake is paramount - especially if output is not increased to compensate!

This challenge constantly brings about change and in return, varies depending upon the change happening. A cooler weather pattern has me thinking warmth and I am fearful of those foods that offer comfort packaged with calories. It also means I must make sure to continue eating cold salads, fresh vegetables and fruit and, oh yes, drinking my water as required. Cold and cold just don't go together. And sometimes I think I'm just being lazy as it's easy to stay completely away from the kitchen - too much trouble to cook good food, all that chopping and sauteing - but then I realize I have to in order to eat well. It's also costly to buy a salad on the way home every day.

Those emotional stressors that accompany far off thoughts, perceived changes that may or may not appear on the horizon, the inner knowledge of things that are not as they should be, the worrisome "what-ifs" - are all concerns and for the moment, how I deal with them, or not deal with them, results in how I feel emotionally and what I feel like doing physically - all this affects action pertaining to a healthy lifestyle. The feel good boost from a chocolate bar or ice cream or... whatever... does a lot to ease the mind of troublesome thoughts because it brings your focus to the hedonistic value of taste and "savoring the moment," however fleeting that may be. Perhaps they can make a pill that would deal with (or at least make you forget about) debt, saving, making a home, growing old, keeping those you love near... a mega kg dose of dealing.

It's more than just a challenge at times - it's a struggle .

Keeping it a Priority

Tonight I realized I haven't written as many blogs this month, and in fact, the posts have steadily decreased since I started writing here at the end of March. After four months, my explanations and excuses could be many and varied, but perhaps there is some remnant of success that explains the apparent lackadaisical posting process.

The need to put things down on paper is a cleansing that purges bad thoughts, ill will and other misconceived components that clog up, not only the mind and spirit, but the physical body as well. The connection between all three facets of our being are not easily separated and when one does not function up to par, the others, in their attempt to compensate, sometimes fall behind as well. My attempt to document my challenge gained momentum as it plunged full speed ahead. I had something to prove - that my weight and the repeated efforts to lose it, are my challenge. No one else can do that for me, although, I am blessed with a wonderful support system - something required in any of life's challenges.

During the beginning of this effort, I found I had to make myself realize the areas that are my downfall and by writing about them, I was able to identify the things that I needed to change about myself in order to direct a change in things that were not going well for me. The repetition was systematic and I wrote more and posted regularly, in a scheduled manner, much like the one that is needed to take control of your eating, your exercise, your water consumption, your supplement and vitamin taking, toward implementing a general change in your life and your lifestyle.

Now, I am not claiming great feats of accomplishment but there is a balance that happens to show that the efforts are working in some respects. I don't have to continue to remind myself to drink more water, for instance. I always have a glass of water at home, or a bottle of water on my desk at work, and am enjoying just a glass of water with meals instead of other beverages. Pop and flavored-artificially-sweetened waters are no longer part of my regular intake. An overly busy life was usually the reason/excuse for fast food stops - I am just as busy but even when tired, it is more appealing to cook something healthy upon arriving home, than to stop and fill a hunger need with unhealthy substances. I have had the occasional McD's breakfast but nothing that would constitute a habit-forming precedence. I have, however, made taking multi-vitamins, D3, Flax Oil, and Calcium supplements a habit and this could contribute to the "feeling better in the bones." Mind you, there are still some aches and minor pains, but getting better all the time.

The Canada Health Food Guide recommendations have become a part of our routine - Kelsey and I are beginning to watch our intake to ensure we are getting the required servings of fruits, vegetables, protein, dairy products, grains ... and fibre. Once you start, believe me it works! Sweets are limited, white flour products are not used (whole wheat pasta is awesome!) and we are cooking more meals with olive oil using any and all non-fry methods of cooking. It takes time to get yourself into a routine but it soon becomes the norm. The secret to keeping yourself in a forward motion is not getting all hung up on days that might not seem as good - allowing yourself that craving once in awhile makes all the difference in accepting the rest of the time in a healthy way. Going out for a meal doesn't have to throw you off your "diet" if you just remember to select something that contributes to your change, rather than sabotaging it. (No fries!)

My concern that blogging here is reduced because of my concentration on the necessary changes can be taken as somewhat of a success, even though I am miles away from the award presentation! This is going to be continuous and is a matter that must be take seriously from now on.

My continuing challenge is to remember where I was, where I am, and where I am going. I am happy to say that my spirit is strong and here's hoping that my knees and hips last just as long.

Oh, where, oh where...

...has my little dog gone or where, oh where, have I been?

First off, no little dog here so no little dog gone. And secondly, been nowhere different from my usual, normal, crazy week with a slight bit of down time about Thursday. It's funny I can usually gauge the week by my overwhelming propensity to want to nap by Thursday afternoon - and to top it all off, it would be considered a "short" week by all those who have a holiday Monday in their schedule.

I can add up the number of things I accomplished, however, and see that the desire for sleep was a normal occurrence and probably one felt by many - considering the weather. The grey skies, wind and cold tend to make one want to just stay curled up in bed deep under the down, dreaming of a long morning sleep-in and a slow cup of coffee once the urge to venture forth hits... if it does.

I was up bright and shining on my holiday Monday to be out the door and at the lab for blood work - I have a multitude of tests to complete and I am thankful that I have a young doctor who seems to be very thorough in her examination of new patients. I am hoping that all turn out great and, if so, then it is on to working on the weight issue with more attention and focus than I have already been attempting. More willpower and positive choices are required to make a difference - it's just difficult getting there all at once. I received a few emails and visited Internet news links that provided information on various dieting topics; most of the tips extol the virtues of a natural, healthy lifestyle. There are those things you should ensure are included in your diet (blueberries, garlic, olive oil) as well as those things that should be avoided (artificial sweeteners, white flour) - at all costs.

My report for this week: I made small victories in that I, on two occasions, chose salad when I went out to eat. Yes, it accompanied the main part of the meal (chicken wrap for one, a chicken sandwich for another) but it was better than choosing the alternative - fries. The down side to this was that, yes, I went out twice for meals - one for a birthday lunch at work and one for an evening out with a friend. I would beg to argue that the emotional and social aspects of these meals were more beneficial than the actual food - sometimes it's nice not to worry about the things that haunt you because living in complete denial only brings you down - depressing!

I have made meals; I have ignored meals; I parked further from my destination one day to walk more; I parked closer on another; I felt happy; I felt "what the hell" another time; I drank my water; I cried... and I've asked why. Why am I doing this? How could I have possibly let myself get to this point? Can I hang in there?

The short answers are: for me, because, and yes, I'll try. I realize that there are too many opportunities out there to not care and make it a priority. There are too many moments to still enjoy with family and friends. There are still many mountains to climb.

...and there are still millions of words to write.

The Answer is Blowing in the Wind

I guess that's the one of the comments that speaks to something that obviously doesn't have a convenient in your face answer. It also speaks to the day and the weather conditions outside. Leave it to Alberta to fan the fires with high temperatures, low moisture levels and increased wind velocity. I say this in reference to the wildfires that burn out of control northeast of here and it reminds me that there is always something worse than your own condition. Some things you can control - others are beyond it.

As we move through this life, lessons are learned and one would think they would have been learned long ago; however, sometimes the repetition of errors and the anguish of painful choices is the only way that correct answers eventually sink in. Like taking care of you- eating right, living healthy, keeping a positive attitude. It's what's right yet it is these very conditions that have to be applied, tried and relied upon for consistency.

Contentment and placement have never been my strong suit - there has always been some reason to move on, to change, to do something other than the status quo. Change for the sake of change just adds to an already disheveled lifestyle. Grounded. I need to be grounded - to the earth and nature - to natural and calm. It takes practice and application, but I see some light in the distance and there is always hope.

Our move away from convenience (as in fast food) and deletion of additives (as in preservatives and artificial) is making us (Kelsey and I) more aware of how certain things make us feel. Once you start to make a change, you realize the difference a little bit at a time can make. Cutting out greasy, fatty, high calorie empty foods that provide no nutritional value are one way to start to feel that change occurring. This is the kind of change we need. No French fries, potato chips, donuts, diet pop, canned goods that contain too much salt or MSG, etc... Can I have more fresh vegetables and fruit please? Yes. Definitely, yes!

It's a job in itself to keep up with this awareness but is it not the kind of thing that makes life better? Like I said before, some of these things should be done away with on the societal level to impose a widespread, healthy community cure. I can report that I feel a difference for me already and see it in Kelsey, as we both move together in support of a change that makes living and being healthy a priority.

There are still miles to go - but at least we are on the right path.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

I am not really sure why I need another blog other than I am a writer and this one has a particular theme not apparent in my other posts. I usually use my blogs to impart writing tips and try to encourage the writer in me to share with the writer in all of you out there. I welcome your feedback and love to read your work as well.

This blog, however, is of a more personal - almost life altering - nature. In one of my recent blogs about life and writing and getting things done... inspired, of course, by the arrival of spring... I commented about this life's challenge for me. It often is with me since in everything that has happened, I am the common denominator. One would think that to learn is to change but here I am still fighting the same battle that has burdened me almost all my life.

It is just dealing with it now that I can look back and see the things that made the difference, and the things that sabotaged the whole affair. Weight. It is heavy upon my shoulders and other places, and therein lies the rub. I have worked hard at times, and, at the other extreme have been very blase about it. One would think it would be something to try for - an active, healthy lifestyle that contributes to a body that is able to continue to enjoy the fun things in life. This is nothing to do with image, although, at some point in my blog I am sure how I look will come up. It's natural. You want to not only feel good but also look good. The mental, physical and emotional triad works in synchronicity allowing any imbalance to be absorbed and made up by the other components. It's when all of them are depleted through depression, ill-health, or a general disregard or caring, that one begins to feel the effects of a body that is not treated well.

This blog is to be an on line journal of how to get back on the track to health and wellness. The past few weeks have been hard on me even though I have reason to feel good about things again. We (my daughter and I) recently moved into a new condo-apartment and have a very nice home for ourselves. We make a good team - looking out for each other. Of course, the positive aspects of the move were enabled by the death of something else - the end of a relationship for her, but all in all, it was what was meant to be. The path you travel is laid before you even without your knowledge and how you approach your journey determines its success or failure.

The diametrically opposed feelings that live within me rage as I feel contented to be here and am able to enjoy an inspirational setting to write in - yet my health has me worried. It feels like it has deteriorated to a large degree over the past couple of years and I know it is in part due to the effects my surroundings and self-imposed situations have played upon me. Constant searching and change have wreaked havoc on my life. I have moved too much and it has cost me financially, emotionally and physically. What was or am I searching for? I thought it was someone to love but it really was the inevitable search for who I really am - whether I'm ever with someone or destined to be alone. In the past, I let myself be changed; now I struggle to keep up while I try to revive the real me, hidden beneath the layers of protective fat that accumulate when I try to fill a void left by whatever change is imposed upon me.

I know I should start with accepting that this is who I am and I never will be slim and athletic again. Too much has transpired to regain (oops! don't say regain!) completely what has been lost - my ability to do some things without pain and effort. But I do like me. I like me a lot - I think I am a good person and know I have much I want to contribute yet to this life. So, I can make an effort to do something for me. I can make a concentrated attempt to address my health, change my lifestyle and then, as a result will feel better about me. I know I can do this and this time it is for me.

Today IS the first day of the rest of MY life.