Getting to Me

October. It's debatable whether or not this month is one of my favorites. There are so many things good about it and so many things bad about it. It's all in the perspective, I guess. Last time I wrote I was despondent to change, still reeling in my emotional wash - and, unfortunately, that hasn't changed. As I read over the post, I realize and know in my heart I must make the effort as no one else can do that for me. Since then, I have attended the first session of my steps to a healthier life - a doctor prescribed program offered by our health services. But that's it - session one introduction. Another binder of reminders for $25. I've made no time for anything else. Is it any wonder? I am busy. Always going - work, company, volunteer, events, sales, meetings... I justify my neglect by pointing to everything else I have to do. Things I have attached to my life that seem to have more importance than my health. I know that is not true. I promise to make an effort.

My daughter has changed dramatically over the summer and has embraced a healthy lifestyle - going to the gym, watching what she eats, eliminating bad foods from her diet, eating clean. She looks great and continues to move in the right direction. I am proud of her but she is not happy with me. I can't move like I need to, liked I used to... in order to let go of the weight. I am trying my best to eat better, make better choices, make concessions - it's hard when food fills a void, though. It's my emotional comfort, releasing feel good hormones into my system, even though the feel good doesn't last, in one way, and has everlasting effects in others.

I want to just get past this week. This week, last year, changed my life forever. I am working on purging things, cleaning house, making changes, doing what needs to be done - I will get to me after I get through this week.

Why Bother

What possible excuse would allow this blog to sleep for one year? What would push this blog and the mission within to the bottom of the pile of things in my life? It should be top most, foremost, upper most, and most of all, THE one thing most important above all else - love of self enough to care that you have your health. For without a healthy disposition - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally - there really is nothing else. You cannot care about others and even less, care for others, when ill health impedes your ability and capabilities. 

I have let many things come between me and my health, putting off what I know in my heart to be the one thing I should guard. I use the past as a resting ground for my excuses and continue to ignore there is only one person who can change things - me. And there are many people who will suffer if something goes wrong. Deep down I cling to the effects of getting over and moving forward only to be hit over the last few years with emotionally draining situations that have me dealing with an over abundance of stress and, to some degree, depression. The break up of a relationship, a new job, a move, caring for family members who were ill, dealing with financial stress, self discovery and indecision, overwhelming feelings of "too much," and finally culminating with the death of my dear mother. Was that the last straw or a defining moment? She supported and encouraged me, saying I really needed to look after myself - for me and my future. Her departure was too quick. It was a blessing for her but I feel cheated. Things will never be the same. And although I cannot continue to put this matter off, I cannot use the way it has turned out as an excuse knowing she wanted so much more for me - I should care... but there are times when I feel like saying... why bother?