Why Bother

What possible excuse would allow this blog to sleep for one year? What would push this blog and the mission within to the bottom of the pile of things in my life? It should be top most, foremost, upper most, and most of all, THE one thing most important above all else - love of self enough to care that you have your health. For without a healthy disposition - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally - there really is nothing else. You cannot care about others and even less, care for others, when ill health impedes your ability and capabilities. 

I have let many things come between me and my health, putting off what I know in my heart to be the one thing I should guard. I use the past as a resting ground for my excuses and continue to ignore there is only one person who can change things - me. And there are many people who will suffer if something goes wrong. Deep down I cling to the effects of getting over and moving forward only to be hit over the last few years with emotionally draining situations that have me dealing with an over abundance of stress and, to some degree, depression. The break up of a relationship, a new job, a move, caring for family members who were ill, dealing with financial stress, self discovery and indecision, overwhelming feelings of "too much," and finally culminating with the death of my dear mother. Was that the last straw or a defining moment? She supported and encouraged me, saying I really needed to look after myself - for me and my future. Her departure was too quick. It was a blessing for her but I feel cheated. Things will never be the same. And although I cannot continue to put this matter off, I cannot use the way it has turned out as an excuse knowing she wanted so much more for me - I should care... but there are times when I feel like saying... why bother?   

Winding up the Week

It is not that there has been so much happening that I could not post here this week - but it's like all other promises in that sometimes they slide just because they are for our own benefit. The good thing is that my resolve to do this thing did not slide and here I am back at it. My feelings were, however, severely questioned at one point but let me work up to that in the following post.

The week has been like any other although I am trying not to get overly busy and run down again. I did work in a couple of late nights and a few extra hours of work, with a meeting here and there but am trying to take it a bit slower; trying not to overbook my time and schedule while still fitting in the things that are necessary and the things I really want to do. The weather has been weary - raining and cool. It is good for the dry parched land and wild fires but it is dismal on our outlook in some instances. We all adjust and get used to it even if complaining off and on.

Sitting here today I can look back and report without the emotional ups and downs although the dismay that hit me is still there and will be evident to my readers as I write. I thought I was making progress by:

• being more attentive to what I am eating
• drinking more water
• limiting my food intake after 8:00 pm or at the latest 9:00 pm
• eating breakfast
• taking bigger salad or vegetable portions when we have a catered lunch at work
• eating regular meals or smaller meals spaced out to fuel energy
• focusing on positive rather than negative
• not having seconds - except salad or vegetables
• being more aware of what's in something and how many calories it has
  

The things I know I have to improve upon are:

• cutting completely my ties with "comfort" foods - although I am not in any way over indulging in them and am trying to divert my attentions to other activities such as more writing and reading
  
• start walking - been dealing with sore back and legs - I know, I know... I need to do this because I noticed just getting back to work made me tired after I was off ill
• exercise in some way as well as walking
  
• increase water consumption although it is better than it was
• take my vitamins and other required supplements
• keeping a positive attitude
• remembering it's okay to say no
• cutting down some portions and making supper a smaller meal

There are probably a mass of other points that could be included in both lists, however, at this time I cannot remember everything - another reason not to let this post get behind. I must remember it is okay to write a small update everyday rather than sit down and write a book once in awhile.

To culminate the week was my doctor's appointment with my new doctor that finally gets to the meat of the deal. I find that she is awesome in that she is thorough - she asks questions and keeps track of all the details, issues and concerns. I am now going through a barrage of tests to eliminate anything serious and then I must focus on the weight loss. If there is no medical reason not to be doing something then I have no excuse. If my back issue is a constant one I just have to find ways to adjust to it and move on or else I will be constantly fighting this. Stripped naked and exposed to your shortcomings, you must accept what is and do what you can.

It was a mixed bag of emotions after I left the doctor's office and the lab - I am on my way to ensuring my health is of importance, however, my efforts over the last three weeks were not met with the desired results, something I thought would happen. I was dismayed to learn that my weight and blood pressure were both up from my April 30th appointment! I thought things were going well - my clothes were not tighter (I even thought they were at least a bit less snug), I wasn't sick but it might be that getting better did not have the same effect as when my body was getting rid of everything inside; my attitude seemed more positive; the swelling in my legs returned two weeks ago and also better yesterday and today it is still there; perhaps I do let things get to me as my daughter pointed out - "yes, you do stress out..."

I am at a "why me" point and don't want to get hung up on the negatives. I am trying but realize that my efforts have to be even more stringent, focused, strict, demanding, desired, and will be just plain hard work. Am I ready for this? I have to be and am not sure how to begin except that I will try harder and see my doctor again in two weeks.

P.S. The doctor has now recommended that I take Calcium (1500 mg per day) and Vitamin D (1000 units per day) and updated my tetanus shot which is supposed to be done every 10 years after the first vaccine. So... where was my last doctor's head at? I am already feeling better just knowing my new doctor is thinking of what's best for me.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

I am not really sure why I need another blog other than I am a writer and this one has a particular theme not apparent in my other posts. I usually use my blogs to impart writing tips and try to encourage the writer in me to share with the writer in all of you out there. I welcome your feedback and love to read your work as well.

This blog, however, is of a more personal - almost life altering - nature. In one of my recent blogs about life and writing and getting things done... inspired, of course, by the arrival of spring... I commented about this life's challenge for me. It often is with me since in everything that has happened, I am the common denominator. One would think that to learn is to change but here I am still fighting the same battle that has burdened me almost all my life.

It is just dealing with it now that I can look back and see the things that made the difference, and the things that sabotaged the whole affair. Weight. It is heavy upon my shoulders and other places, and therein lies the rub. I have worked hard at times, and, at the other extreme have been very blase about it. One would think it would be something to try for - an active, healthy lifestyle that contributes to a body that is able to continue to enjoy the fun things in life. This is nothing to do with image, although, at some point in my blog I am sure how I look will come up. It's natural. You want to not only feel good but also look good. The mental, physical and emotional triad works in synchronicity allowing any imbalance to be absorbed and made up by the other components. It's when all of them are depleted through depression, ill-health, or a general disregard or caring, that one begins to feel the effects of a body that is not treated well.

This blog is to be an on line journal of how to get back on the track to health and wellness. The past few weeks have been hard on me even though I have reason to feel good about things again. We (my daughter and I) recently moved into a new condo-apartment and have a very nice home for ourselves. We make a good team - looking out for each other. Of course, the positive aspects of the move were enabled by the death of something else - the end of a relationship for her, but all in all, it was what was meant to be. The path you travel is laid before you even without your knowledge and how you approach your journey determines its success or failure.

The diametrically opposed feelings that live within me rage as I feel contented to be here and am able to enjoy an inspirational setting to write in - yet my health has me worried. It feels like it has deteriorated to a large degree over the past couple of years and I know it is in part due to the effects my surroundings and self-imposed situations have played upon me. Constant searching and change have wreaked havoc on my life. I have moved too much and it has cost me financially, emotionally and physically. What was or am I searching for? I thought it was someone to love but it really was the inevitable search for who I really am - whether I'm ever with someone or destined to be alone. In the past, I let myself be changed; now I struggle to keep up while I try to revive the real me, hidden beneath the layers of protective fat that accumulate when I try to fill a void left by whatever change is imposed upon me.

I know I should start with accepting that this is who I am and I never will be slim and athletic again. Too much has transpired to regain (oops! don't say regain!) completely what has been lost - my ability to do some things without pain and effort. But I do like me. I like me a lot - I think I am a good person and know I have much I want to contribute yet to this life. So, I can make an effort to do something for me. I can make a concentrated attempt to address my health, change my lifestyle and then, as a result will feel better about me. I know I can do this and this time it is for me.

Today IS the first day of the rest of MY life.