WTF it's March

Excuse my bluntness, but the aptly title blog post today, addresses my ongoing issue and my apparent ineptness with dealing - if I let myself go all rangy on me, I could say "by now you might have done some good!" When I signed off on the last post you will see that I basically said "to heck with it." It's not that I don't have time to write a blog post! Just search me out and you will find a plethora of words  aplenty in other areas. The publishing business has been extremely busy and rewarding; my job is still a feature of my everyday and I make it there most days; and although you cannot possibly ignore your health situation as you go about your normal day, it is easy to say "I am not going to fret over it either" because frustration leads to failure, at least for me. Since my last post, I have been to the doctor several times and tests show great work on the cholesterol levels - they are down and working with the help of prescription and making some not-so intrusive changes to diet. My blood pressure, however - well, that's another story, being up enough to garner a second prescription. The back is still an issue and my knees continue to bother me. I think the doctors don't take that as serious because they think that if I lose the weight I will not have these problems. It wouldn't hurt to try, I guess, but the conundrum ends up confused with the vicious cycle of pain... I don't cuz it hurts, it hurts so I can't... 

Excuses. But valid from my perspective with all that I do - if I put myself out of commission totally there will be more than just health issues. I take it easy. I rest when necessary and I don't do what I can't do. With spring in the air again, I really, really want to look and feel better. I am cutting down again and hoping that energy can push me to do more = more activity = pain management = a slow push the other way > for the good. 

Here's to spring and here's to trying. Again. Wish me luck.  

Nights...

So it's 1:23 am and here I sit, writing. And I guess that's a good thing for a writer because it shows dedication, determination and a whole bunch of other stuff. I am happy to be able to say I AM dedicated to this craft and the writing life, although, the night owl muse left me long ago. Tonight I am not sure if it's the diet pills doing their little side effect show, or if it's the coffee I drank at 10:30 pm, giving me a caffeine buzz. In any case, I am making the most of the extended sojourn in front of the key board.

It's been a week now on the diet pill, less Friday, because I forgot to take it - remembered everything else, but forgot that... and it says specifically, don't try to make up a pill, just take it at the next appointed time. Mornings are best just because of the fact that insomnia happens to be one of the side effects and it's best to take the pill, therefore, as early in the day as possible. I am wondering why the effects last all day and still seem to be affecting me by the time I am thinking I'm ready to go to bed. Even if I am able to fall asleep, I've been waking up tossing and turning - the mind is not shutting off like it has been able to do up until now.

Kelsey's says I worry too much *aghast* "I don't." I exclaim, profusely. Do I? No, but now I'm worried that I worry without even thinking I worry. She laughs. I laugh. And then we go on and I don't worry anymore...

I have been minding my mouth and its intake for the past week and whether or not the pill is working, I am unsure. AM I just trying to make good now on a promise I made myself? Feeling somewhat frustrated and upset with myself after the less than pleasing results, am I just doing more to try to correct it? I am also unsure that an appetite suppressant will be of any use to me but I am giving it a chance and will see what the results are, if any, next Friday when I go to the doctor, again. I am hoping that my body adjusts to this pill, as another must be added into the mix for the cholesterol. Pills. Not really wanting to take more but if they control certain elements of our health that will help us, I guess I cannot be totally opposed. I mean, I would most certainly support anyone else I care about IF they had to take something, so I should do the same for me.

... and I do care about me, too.

A Muse for Malaise

It is one thing to keep your words flowing to paper when you are busy - when time and assignment are your keepers; it is altogether another situation if you are not feeling well.

Now there are those times when you just don't feel like sitting there, when trying to wrap your brain around an idea and produce some coherent string of words worthy of posting avoids you. And you feel bad because you haven't been able to write something... anything. Then there are those other times when you just don't care - now that is ill for a writer.

The last couple of days have found me doing very little because of the slight fever, headaches and body aches and the general lack of cooperation between mind and body. I do not like being at this point, where I have probably pushed myself beyond what can be humanly done; I have exhausted myself and now pay for it by catching something just because I am over tired.

I write now - toward the end of the second day and am hopeful that my body has had a chance to have enough rest and will accept the meal I was able to eat at suppertime. I am also hopeful that tomorrow is a better day because my body gets sore lying around and my mind becomes groggy instead of clear. Getting up and going becomes more difficult as time wears on. I have to go out tomorrow because I finally have that doctor's appointment. I am sure that this part of "my challenge" is utterly boring and getting sick is no way to try to lose weight! I have been trying to keep the fluid levels up so that I don't get too dehydrated - very important! So, now it's time for bed and a good sleep.

I just want to say to me - sorry for all the junk I've put you through and that you have come to this point out of necessity. I promise to change - for my sake.

Monday - It was a Good Day

Today, was a good day - they do happen and without much squealing and fussing about. I even like Mondays because I really love my job. I take my back pills as required and get on about my given tasks. This morning I had a meeting and was dreading the stair climb to the boardroom but so far so good and I am not taking Tylenol anymore in the evening, unless I really, really have to.

Last night, I went to bed early enough to read instead of spending the night in front of this screen and I woke up feeling rather refreshed. Not feeling refreshed in the kind that would be void of the usual groaning and moaning stiffness but refreshed nonetheless.

That is what is so psychotic about this whole situation - the mind over reality tug-of-war. Waking up to another bright, sunny day - smile, mind is alert... throw off the covers and then it hits ya...ooooo, as you move gingerly to the edge of the bed, sit slowly, stand slowly, hobble slowly until time and movement get the kinks out. THEN, feeling good after the shower, getting dressed, feeling happy, thinking about the meeting coming up...and then it hits ya...ooooo, you gonna wear that to work? And look at those thighs - need a longer sweater. Mirrors don't lie unless they are those kind in the fun houses and really, what fun is it to see yourself distorted into short, tall, wide, or narrow wavy apparitions. Ya...ooooo, mirrors are not fun. Neither are highly polished appliances. Store front windows. And cameras - don't get me started.

You're probably saying "where the heck did the 'it was a good day' go to?" Well, that's another part of the weirdness - it was and still is, a good day. I report I had breakfast before I left this morning, yogurt on my cereal AND I even remembered to take my vitamin. I had a reasonable lunch at work (pizza - vegetarian on thin, wholewheat crust and fresh veggies), drank my water so far up to par (well, working on third refilled bottle) and made a supper when I got home from work that looked like something that washed up on the shore out of the sea. How can that be good for you, you ask? Spinach and chicken breast with small new potatoes with pepper in Becel - emphasis on the spinach. It was delish!

Anyway, I'm feeling good about my progress and I owe it all to the words here and you dedicated readers who I know read and send silent wishes of good health. Even if you don't, I know by sharing this I am accomplishing more than if I ignore it and let it slide like before. This time, not. I would really like to wear things that fit nice and if I could move back to "wear" I was, even a couple of years ago... I would be happy. That's a couple sizes smaller than now and THAT would be an accomplishment, an encouragement, a big boost to my health. I know that.

P.S. still on the waiting list to go to the doctor that's eventually taking new patients. I have a couple of other numbers to call but it seems THAT slips my mind whenever I have time or it comes up when I don't or it's after hours. I have to have things checked out. I know that, too.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

I am not really sure why I need another blog other than I am a writer and this one has a particular theme not apparent in my other posts. I usually use my blogs to impart writing tips and try to encourage the writer in me to share with the writer in all of you out there. I welcome your feedback and love to read your work as well.

This blog, however, is of a more personal - almost life altering - nature. In one of my recent blogs about life and writing and getting things done... inspired, of course, by the arrival of spring... I commented about this life's challenge for me. It often is with me since in everything that has happened, I am the common denominator. One would think that to learn is to change but here I am still fighting the same battle that has burdened me almost all my life.

It is just dealing with it now that I can look back and see the things that made the difference, and the things that sabotaged the whole affair. Weight. It is heavy upon my shoulders and other places, and therein lies the rub. I have worked hard at times, and, at the other extreme have been very blase about it. One would think it would be something to try for - an active, healthy lifestyle that contributes to a body that is able to continue to enjoy the fun things in life. This is nothing to do with image, although, at some point in my blog I am sure how I look will come up. It's natural. You want to not only feel good but also look good. The mental, physical and emotional triad works in synchronicity allowing any imbalance to be absorbed and made up by the other components. It's when all of them are depleted through depression, ill-health, or a general disregard or caring, that one begins to feel the effects of a body that is not treated well.

This blog is to be an on line journal of how to get back on the track to health and wellness. The past few weeks have been hard on me even though I have reason to feel good about things again. We (my daughter and I) recently moved into a new condo-apartment and have a very nice home for ourselves. We make a good team - looking out for each other. Of course, the positive aspects of the move were enabled by the death of something else - the end of a relationship for her, but all in all, it was what was meant to be. The path you travel is laid before you even without your knowledge and how you approach your journey determines its success or failure.

The diametrically opposed feelings that live within me rage as I feel contented to be here and am able to enjoy an inspirational setting to write in - yet my health has me worried. It feels like it has deteriorated to a large degree over the past couple of years and I know it is in part due to the effects my surroundings and self-imposed situations have played upon me. Constant searching and change have wreaked havoc on my life. I have moved too much and it has cost me financially, emotionally and physically. What was or am I searching for? I thought it was someone to love but it really was the inevitable search for who I really am - whether I'm ever with someone or destined to be alone. In the past, I let myself be changed; now I struggle to keep up while I try to revive the real me, hidden beneath the layers of protective fat that accumulate when I try to fill a void left by whatever change is imposed upon me.

I know I should start with accepting that this is who I am and I never will be slim and athletic again. Too much has transpired to regain (oops! don't say regain!) completely what has been lost - my ability to do some things without pain and effort. But I do like me. I like me a lot - I think I am a good person and know I have much I want to contribute yet to this life. So, I can make an effort to do something for me. I can make a concentrated attempt to address my health, change my lifestyle and then, as a result will feel better about me. I know I can do this and this time it is for me.

Today IS the first day of the rest of MY life.