Getting to Me

October. It's debatable whether or not this month is one of my favorites. There are so many things good about it and so many things bad about it. It's all in the perspective, I guess. Last time I wrote I was despondent to change, still reeling in my emotional wash - and, unfortunately, that hasn't changed. As I read over the post, I realize and know in my heart I must make the effort as no one else can do that for me. Since then, I have attended the first session of my steps to a healthier life - a doctor prescribed program offered by our health services. But that's it - session one introduction. Another binder of reminders for $25. I've made no time for anything else. Is it any wonder? I am busy. Always going - work, company, volunteer, events, sales, meetings... I justify my neglect by pointing to everything else I have to do. Things I have attached to my life that seem to have more importance than my health. I know that is not true. I promise to make an effort.

My daughter has changed dramatically over the summer and has embraced a healthy lifestyle - going to the gym, watching what she eats, eliminating bad foods from her diet, eating clean. She looks great and continues to move in the right direction. I am proud of her but she is not happy with me. I can't move like I need to, liked I used to... in order to let go of the weight. I am trying my best to eat better, make better choices, make concessions - it's hard when food fills a void, though. It's my emotional comfort, releasing feel good hormones into my system, even though the feel good doesn't last, in one way, and has everlasting effects in others.

I want to just get past this week. This week, last year, changed my life forever. I am working on purging things, cleaning house, making changes, doing what needs to be done - I will get to me after I get through this week.

Why Bother

What possible excuse would allow this blog to sleep for one year? What would push this blog and the mission within to the bottom of the pile of things in my life? It should be top most, foremost, upper most, and most of all, THE one thing most important above all else - love of self enough to care that you have your health. For without a healthy disposition - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally - there really is nothing else. You cannot care about others and even less, care for others, when ill health impedes your ability and capabilities. 

I have let many things come between me and my health, putting off what I know in my heart to be the one thing I should guard. I use the past as a resting ground for my excuses and continue to ignore there is only one person who can change things - me. And there are many people who will suffer if something goes wrong. Deep down I cling to the effects of getting over and moving forward only to be hit over the last few years with emotionally draining situations that have me dealing with an over abundance of stress and, to some degree, depression. The break up of a relationship, a new job, a move, caring for family members who were ill, dealing with financial stress, self discovery and indecision, overwhelming feelings of "too much," and finally culminating with the death of my dear mother. Was that the last straw or a defining moment? She supported and encouraged me, saying I really needed to look after myself - for me and my future. Her departure was too quick. It was a blessing for her but I feel cheated. Things will never be the same. And although I cannot continue to put this matter off, I cannot use the way it has turned out as an excuse knowing she wanted so much more for me - I should care... but there are times when I feel like saying... why bother?   

Healthy Foods Required

20 Healthy Zero-Calorie Foods - wow, just the thing I need. Trying to drink lots of water and I guess I should switch to drinking more Green Tea, too. This was a great article with interesting facts about each of the healthy choices. My body might say WTF when it likes its comfort foods even if these are great natural selections with health in mind. Don't you love an awesome salad or crisp, fresh fruit and/or vegetables on a hot day? Problem I find is that they take so much work to prepare - wash, clean, cut... oh, yes - first, buy and carry.

Perhaps, I'm just lazy or lack motivation or I need a personal cook.

Here's the link - check it out http://fitbie.ca.msn.com/slideshow/20-healthy-zero-calorie-foods

WTF it's March

Excuse my bluntness, but the aptly title blog post today, addresses my ongoing issue and my apparent ineptness with dealing - if I let myself go all rangy on me, I could say "by now you might have done some good!" When I signed off on the last post you will see that I basically said "to heck with it." It's not that I don't have time to write a blog post! Just search me out and you will find a plethora of words  aplenty in other areas. The publishing business has been extremely busy and rewarding; my job is still a feature of my everyday and I make it there most days; and although you cannot possibly ignore your health situation as you go about your normal day, it is easy to say "I am not going to fret over it either" because frustration leads to failure, at least for me. Since my last post, I have been to the doctor several times and tests show great work on the cholesterol levels - they are down and working with the help of prescription and making some not-so intrusive changes to diet. My blood pressure, however - well, that's another story, being up enough to garner a second prescription. The back is still an issue and my knees continue to bother me. I think the doctors don't take that as serious because they think that if I lose the weight I will not have these problems. It wouldn't hurt to try, I guess, but the conundrum ends up confused with the vicious cycle of pain... I don't cuz it hurts, it hurts so I can't... 

Excuses. But valid from my perspective with all that I do - if I put myself out of commission totally there will be more than just health issues. I take it easy. I rest when necessary and I don't do what I can't do. With spring in the air again, I really, really want to look and feel better. I am cutting down again and hoping that energy can push me to do more = more activity = pain management = a slow push the other way > for the good. 

Here's to spring and here's to trying. Again. Wish me luck.  

Best fats to eat for weight loss and why you... | Chatelaine.com

Best fats to eat for weight loss and why you... | Chatelaine.com

Quiet confrontation

I suffer in order to experience and express an involved dedication with what is not only my passion, but my dream. Events are required to promote and the chairs are not conducive to comfort. To sit too long stiffens and cramps my back; to stand too long affects my knees and hips; to wander around to find a comfy chair to sit is not an option; lying down is certainly not allowed. I have introduced more walking lately but the improvement is slow, if at all. I digress and depend again on pain killers in order that I might suffer in silence - to promote, smile, and share all that I know.

No one is the wiser.

Trying but at least it's Spring

I'm still here although it's been awhile. A disappearing act is often my style. I think on it and ponder some more - waiting for opportunity to open its own door.

Water down. Pain up. Walk more - then can't move. Still on proper meds and still have to book new appointments to check into getting check ups. Knees hurt, back bothers me, off and on. It's been a battle with myself, knowing what's right and not caring what's wrong. I also know that I am the only person who can change it. I think of good things, feel good about my work and my writing, love my friends and family... but it's not enough and I don't have time or energy to try or keep trying or concentrate on anything else.

All I can say is... at least it's Spring!